I can't make up my mind if I've really cocked everything up or not. I mean she said last night was pretty much a mistake, and that was my fault, really. And then when she pointed out she'd given herself to me, but I just saw it as sex, it was one of those "ah, shit," moments where you suddenly realise how insensitive you really are. I could have been nicer about it.
Oh and then all that about her not being able to have kids. I have no idea where she stands on having kids, though, so it's not like I know what to say about it. "That's rough," is all I could come up with. Yeah, good one Luca. I don't like it when she cries. I don't know what to do about it, or how to cheer her up. Right now, I'm just hugging her, hoping that she'll calm down soon, but I dunno what to say. Or even if I should say anything.
So I don't say anything, I just try to make my mind go blank so my thoughts don't get all confused again.
Of course, that's when my brain decides it's a good time to start trying to figure stuff out again and the noise that had managed to stop the night before has come back. "Mmm. At least I'm going to try and change that. I don't like being a complete dick to you, I just don't know how else to be." That's the first thing my brain decides to pick apart. Why'd I say that? I mean, I guess it's kinda true. I don't like being a dick to her, because she's not a dick to me. Goes back to what I said before.
But can I really change? Is that even possible? I don't know. I don't think it is, really. I mean, sex is good, but it feels like the only time I'll ever be comfortable with being touched. Even now, just hugging Gemme I feel really awkward and not just because she's crying.
Gemme seems to think I can change. She's literally the only person that's ever had any faith in me. But to be fair it's only been like a week and a couple of days. I have no doubt her opinions will change. Because it's inevitable that I'm going to go back to the drug business. Which means it's inevitable that I'll be spending days at a time somewhere else, and I can't tell her where those days will be spent because I won't know until I'm there.
And I know how she feels about the drug thing. But I can't just give up everything I've grown up with and learnt to deal with. The only things I know are: how to be a complete dick even to those that are nice to you, how to buy drugs and not get caught, how to take said drugs and still not get caught, how to sell drugs and get a good price. And not be caught. And that's pretty much it, really. I don't learn anything when I am in school, and what I would learn if I paid attention is completely fucking useless. No one needs to know about Pythagoras' theory and all that bollocks, do they? Where has that ever gotten any one?
I'm jaded, can you tell? Don't blame me for that, blame... actually no. Blame me.
Shut up, brain, and go away unless you feel like actually figuring something out.
Gemme's arm tightens around me again at this point and I'm snapped out of my thoughts, uncomfortable with how tight she's holding me. I don't say anything though. That's not what you say to a girl crying her eyes out on your shoulder is it? Like "dude, get off me and quit whining". Doesn't work. It's a bit on the dickhead-ish side, isn't it? I've been enough of a dickhead today to piss even myself off.
Fuck. I wish I knew what to do.