Argh! Just breathe, I knew last night was a mistake but the last thing I wanted was for Ike to start shouting at me too. I look at Luca as he comes back in and I sigh. “I’m sorry about that; you know what he is like.”
“The fact that both of us managed to keep out tempers is pretty much a miracle.” He nodded, I just sighed “Mhmm.” I agreed with him but I still felt really peeved.
"What was all that about your power stopping?" He asked I took a moment to draw my breath before replying.
"It's a defence mechanism so to speak. He knows exactly what happened. He was the one throwing himself around as soon as he hit 16." I explained it well I think, but I knew the next question he was going to ask.
"Well if he knows, then why ask?" Because he’s an idiot.
"Because he likes to confirm things, he needed to 'make sure.' "
"I think the mess from last night was enough proof, don't you?" Eugh, yeah.
"Yeah," I nodded; I'll clean that up as soon as I stop feeling like I want to hit something."
"Sorry, I should probably clean it up. I made it, after all," he glances at the sofa for a moment and then back at me. "I've never cleaned anything in my life, though."
"No it's okay I'll do it. Last night was a mistake anyway."
He shrugged. "It was a fun mistake, though?"
"Yeah." I nodded in agreement. "But other than the fact is was sex, you didn't want it to happen did you?”
He shifted uncomfortably. "Well by the sounds of it, you didn't want it to happen, either."
"I did, but not if you didn't, if that makes any sense at all."
"Uh... that must be a girl thing." Girl thing. I rolled my eyes, okay he didn’t understand but did he have to put it like that?
"Don't get me wrong last night was amazing. I can't help but feel that you think I've changed because of it."
"Amazing?" he asked doubtfully, "and why would you have changed?"
"You think I'll suddenly get really close to you and things, Luca..." I tapped my head, "it's hard to re-gain control after something like that."
"Close? It was only sex..."
"Exactly, this is what I mean, to you its just sex. Not the fact that I just gave myself away to you." I sighed, disappearing in the kitchen to get some of the cleaning bleach... wherever it had got to. I searched the cupboards irritably.
"I... I'm sorry. I do appreciate that, I just... I dunno I'm just a dick."
"That's one way of putting it." I sighed, finally finding it in the last place I look, always. "It's okay I'll get it back." I retorted, taking deep breaths to avoid smashing something. I have patience; this was just testing me too far. But he said sorry, he acknowledged he was being horrible. I used that fact to calm myself down again.
I heard him swear at himself and the sound of him slapping his forehead. "Crap. I'm really cocking this up, aren't I?"
"It's fine, excuse me." I moved past him to go clean up the mess. "Next time, we use the bed." I nodded. I hoped the promise of a ‘next time’ would make him drop it, I wish there would be a next time. I just hope that it will mean something more.
"Sorry," he half whispered.
"Honestly." I shook my head, something still irked me but now wasn't the time. "Next time you clean up."
“Ike, lighten up okay? We have to make this the past or else we will never get past it.”
“Oh, I’m sorry Luca. My mind was elsewhere.”
“You know, you don’t have to carry condoms round with you...” I would tell him. I had to; he had a right to know. It’s nothing big, just tell him.
I took a deep breath. "When we were 16 our mum told us that there was a problem when we were born. I lost the ability to have kids. In return for my sacrifice my brother survived and we became what we are today." I stood up, shaking my head softly. “I told him to let it go, to allow it to become the past. I suppose last night stirred a few old memories.”
"That's rough," he muttered, not knowing what else to say.
"In return I got a loving brother, how nice." I picked up the cleaning things, returning them to the cupboard. I never liked kids from that point; I don’t think I even liked them before that so it wasn’t all that bad.
"I'd say I'm sure he cares really, but that would probably just piss you off more."
"I know he cares but like you he just has a very... awkward way of showing it."
"Mmm. At least I'm going to try and change that," he said. "I don't like being a complete dick to you, I just don't know how else to be."
"Well one thing I really would like." I muttered; I could feel the memory surfacing. My mother, the news, the way my brother had thanked me and hugged me so tight. Damn it, I can’t cry. No it’s the past, I won’t let myself cry, but telling myself not to cry only seemed to make it worse.
“Hmm?” Luca sounded a little confused but I didn’t blame him. I wrapped one arm around him tightly; the other one was placed in front of my face to cover the tears that streamed over my cheeks and to also muffle my sobs.
He returned the embrace a little awkwardly, but he didn't say a word. I could feel his concern, it spilled out of him louder than his anger usually did, but he didn't know what to do about the situation either. So he just hugged me quietly. That was all I really needed.