My eyes have gone red. I'm trying really hard to not cry. I'm so confused! I struggle against her grip for a moment. She's so close. I don't really try to get out of her grasp, though. It would be easy to get her to let go, I mean working out pays off after a while. But I can't make up my mind if I like this or not. I give up with the little struggle and let her hold my hands away from my face.
She ducks in and kisses me on the lips. I freeze up and I don't kiss her back. I don't know what to do. I don't push her off, but I can't seem to accept the contact, either; I don't know how to handle it. My heart jumps, and thuds loudly in my ribcage. The kiss lasts a little longer than her other kisses and when she pulls away, her gaze is soft. I'm pretty sure mine isn't.
"Just relax," she smiles, kissing my cheek swiftly. "You've been kissed before." Yes, I have. I didn't know how to react then, either. I tell her this and she in turn tells me to stop thinking so much. Yeah. Like that's gonna happen.
"I can't seem to stop thinking. All I've done for the last four days is think non-stop." I mutter sullenly.
"I could fix that." She offers immediately.
"Ah, but then I'll never figure anything out," I mumble unhappily. Talk about going in circles.
"Well, allow me to help. First of all, why don't you think that love can come this soon?"
"Love doesn't just happen like that. It can't. Not if you don't even know the person." I say, shaking my head a little. Sometimes love just doesn't exist at all. Call me a pessimist, but it's not like I haven't got an excuse to believe that.
"But I do know you." She knows a few things, yes. But how can she know anything about my past, other than what I've told her? No one else knows. No one except me and my mom, and she's dead now, so y'know. She can't know. Not unless she had a look in my head. I try not to think about that.
"You didn't, though, when you said you love me that time." I point out.
"I think and then it may have been lust or a physical attraction. Now it is changing, I can feel it in my stomach and heart. I don't want to let you go nor do I want to leave you to do this on your own." Her counter argument is kinda weak, but then again, who am I to judge? I've been left behind on the part where it's just lust, apparently.
"It's still only been like a week, though, still too quick. Love's supposed to be gradual. Isn't it?"
"Love comes in many shapes and sizes; it can be straight away or come over a few months' even years." Well what am I supposed to say to that? I look at her silently and wait for her to elaborate. "Luca, I care for you and love you. I will fight for you whether you want me to or not what you do back is your choice." That. Sounds. So. Weird. No one else gives a crap about me. Rayn feels pretty much the same way about me that I feel about him. I close my eyes and try to comprehend her words and their meaning.
"I don't understand..." I whisper. I really don't. "I want to understand, but I don't."
"Luca, I can't let you go even if I wanted to. I don't know why, but I do love you and I can't let you go, when you go I feel sick, I get a tugging sensation to make it up with you. I can't explain it any better." She looks at me, her eyes showing a little despair. She sucks at explaining, and she knows it.
"But why do you feel the need to make it up to me? It's always going to be my fault," I say.
"Because I hate seeing you hurt. I hate to see you upset. I don't want to hurt you." She replies. That's a load of bollocks, really. Who gives a toss if I get hurt?
"You don't hurt me. I hurt you and then it hurts me because I know I've hurt you." I know I used the word hurt too much just there. I don't care. Deal with it. Gemme shakes her head.
"Then don't leave me, stop thinking that you're not good enough for me and just..." she trails off, not knowing what else to say. I don't know what else to say, either, so we sit there on my crappy mattress for a moment in silence. She let go of my wrists a little while ago, by the way. I don't think I mentioned that. But I kinda wish she would hold them again, now. Because sometimes knowing someone is holding onto you is good, but sometimes they need to show you. And I definitely need to be shown, because I gave up holding on a long time ago.
I still kinda want to cry, too. It's embarrassing. But the reason changed a bit. I think it's almost relief, because I was convinced after yesterday that she'd given up on me. I would have, if I was her. She would have too, if she wasn't such a nutter. And it's because I still feel like I want to cry that I hug her. I hesitate and lean forward, putting my arms around her, putting my head on her shoulder so I can have a moment to stop myself actually crying, but without letting her see. She returns the embrace, her arms around my waist too, and I find myself actually enjoying the hug.
"Sorry, I'm acting like a total wuss," I mutter, laughing. I'd have said girl, instead of wuss, but I don't think Gemme would have appreciated that. Confident I'm not about to have a break down, I pull away, leaning back against the wall.
"You're being human," she replies and I roll my eyes.
"We're not completely human, though, are we? I mean, humans don't have telekinesis or the ability to manipulate people's thoughts." I laugh and glance over at the paintings she said were a present.
"True, but it's not all that bad is it?" She has no idea. But I'm not about to tell her. So I shrug and nod at the paintings.
"What paintings did you bring over?" I ask. I'm so not subtle at changing a topic, am I?
"Open them and find out," she tells me. So I do. I levitate them and bring them over to us, unwrapping them in the air. I hold them out. They're all of me. The ones I said I didn't want in any gallery. I remember her words as she came in, and how she said she wasn't going to bug me again after this. Had she planned to leave these here and not come back? Like in a last gesture kinda thing? I smile slightly and line them up against the wall, setting them down on the floor.
"I couldn't take them. They're yours." I say looking back at her. It's kinda weird seeing five of me staring out at us.