I ended up not going to see Gemme. I couldn't do it. How pathetic is that? I kinda figured that since I was in a foul mood, it made sense not to go. But then she came and found me! I think the microwave might have flown across the kitchen when she left. I can't be sure, because I wasn't in the kitchen at the time, but I heard something smash.
And now it's the middle of the night, I can't sleep. I haven't eaten for three days and Gemme's right; I can't starve myself just out of spite. I grab some of the cash in my bag and go to the 24/7 shop not far from here. I didn't mean to lose my temper when she came over. But I did anyways.
I grab the first things that I see and shove them on the counter. None of it needs cooking. Even if it did, I don't think I'd bother. You can only heal away hunger pangs for so long, before you can't ignore it. I grabbed some sleeping pills, too. I can't seem to fall asleep without some kind of help, my brain won't let me. I just hope it doesn't heal the effects of the pill away and keep me awake. Don't worry. I'm not gonna do a Heath Ledger and kill myself with sleeping pills.
I just have to get some sleep.
But when it comes to it, I end up eating whatever it is I got - some tasteless crap with a label written in some language I don't understand - while I walk. I expect my feet to take me back to the den, but they don't I find myself standing outside of Gemme's house, looking up at the dark windows. She's asleep, and I shouldn't be here disturbing her. Yet...
Yet I can't make myself leave, and I wonder if the threat of sleeping pills made my brain come to a decision at last. Let's see.
Do I like Gemme?
Kind of? What sort of an answer is that? Either way, I figure that a "kind of" is better than a no. Right? I bite my lower lip, hesitating at the end of her path. What if a "kind of" isn't good enough for her? Because I know that she wants a "yes" but I can't seem to give her that. I find myself thinking about how I asked her for patience and how she's given me patience. How much more can she give me, though?
I eat the last of the foreign thing and swallow it uncomfortably, feeling more and more confused again. Because now I know it's a "kind of", I should probably go and figure out if it's a kind of like as in friendship, or lust or "love", as she would call it.
A week is so not enough to fall in love. So it can't be that. And she's hot, so it leaves me thinking it's probably a lust thing. I think of her in the way that any guy would think about her after a week of knowing her. I mean yeah, I like her as a friend, but...
My late night deliberations on her pathway are really not helping. She's a friend I have the hots for, but I can't love her, because that's ridiculous.
As much as it makes my head hurt knowing that she would hate to hear that, and probably is hearing it, since I'm so close and she's asleep, at least I'm beginning to make sense of all these unfamiliar feelings. I think.
I turn and walk away slowly, heading back for the den. I should probably get that business back on track. My thoughts turn to how I might do that, and for the first time in the last three days, I'm able to distract my thoughts away from Gemme.