I god damn knew it. I knew it! I understand what he was trying to tell me and I breathe in. Well, if it makes me feel worse I can handle it as long as he stops becoming confused. I just need a little bit of time to breathe and make sure it doesn’t seem as though I’m lying. I’m not good at lying. “Luca, I’m not in love. It was perhaps too strong a word. I like you, I do. I think you are an amazing person if you allow yourself to be. You just lack self-confidence.” Damn, that sounded like something out of a bad movie. I hope it was okay though. I suddenly felt sick but I had to get through it, it was just a stupid emotion.
"I have confidence," he counters.
"Really, that's why you say you have no dignity left, that you're a bad subject to paint." Why is lying so hard? He stayed silence so I continued, "Luca, if you want to go, go. I don't mind, really. I don't think it is love, so I'll be okay." I feel like crying now but I can’t. I won’t.
“Ugh, but then I'll feel bad. I'm torn," he laughed weakly; "you can see why I'm confused though, yes?"
"Yeah, but...don't feel bad. Go, your umm... drug people need you." I swallowed hard. “They need you more than I.” Bloody hell, why can’t lying be easy? I almost whimpered under the pressure of it all.
He sighed and got up. "I can't deal with this. Come see me when you make up your mind, Gemme."
"Luca, I already have. I want you to... too..." I swallowed. "I want you to go, you were happier in your previous life, no worries. You'll have money, food and you'll be happy again." I want you to stay, be with me. I’ll make sure everything is okay!
"That was before I had something to care about."
"And now I'm tearing you apart!" Not the tears again... "I don't want to hurt you." I furiously wipe at my eyes, I’m not that weak! I can say goodbye. It’s for the best.
"What does it matter if you hurt me, Gemme? It won't make a blind bit of difference if I get hurt."
"Of course it will! I don't want you to hurt as much as you do for me. I can't face you going back there where you have to check your food for drugs, have people steal from you and... and, all the rest of that stuff!"
He laughed at that. "I grew up with that stuff, it's not like I can't cope with /that/. It's been a nice break being here and not having to check my food for drugs, sure, but I'll live."
"I don't want you to live that way! Even if it means that you stay here as a normal tenant! Luca, I just don't want to see you like this, I'll sell my paintings and we’ll live off that just please...please..." How did I get to pleading with him? Damn it why can’t this just be easy?
"No, no. Because I know that life will follow me, and I can't be dragging it through your house as well. It's bad enough staying where it is."
"Then I will fight it with every ounce that I have!" I growled, standing my ground. "Luca, I don't want you to be torn but this is your decision." I would fight it, but he had to allow me to do so.
He spread his hands and looked me in the eye. "I am going back to mine for a couple of nights where I can clear my head and try to sort myself out. I will see you after school on Monday." his tone was even, though it sounded a lot like he was forcing it to be.
"I won't be going to school. I can't face those zodiacs. I'll probably be here if you want me. I mean, if you still want me."
"I'll see you late on Monday, then. I want to go to the music rooms."
"Okay. Luca, before you go, and I'm sorry but..." I looked at him, before kissing his lips swiftly and lightly. "I'll be waiting." I whispered quietly.
He looked shocked, but nodded and left. I just wanted this over. Whether I came out of this with my heart intact or not. I was sick of being pulled apart.