MourningMature

New life? What about getting the old one back? What was fucking wrong with the old one? The last few weeks before this happened were brilliant and suddenly it's all in shreds all over again.

Can you really blame me for wanting the Gemme I knew back?

"What's wrong with mommy?" Alice whimpered as I walked down the road, still carrying her.

"I dunno," I sigh, "she lost her memory and she doesn't remember looking after you, or you asking her to be your mom."

"Should I stop calling her mommy?"

"It would probably best, at least for a little while," I nod slightly, setting her down as we reach the playground. She nods and runs off to the swings without another word. I sigh again, following after her. "Want me to push?" I ask.

"Please!" she nods again, settling on the swing, holding onto the chains either side of her. I pull back and push her forwards gently, watching carefully as she goes higher and higher, swinging her legs and tilting back each time she swings forward. As I'm pushing her, Rayn walks over, smiling.

"Heya," he calls to Alice as she swings back.

"Hey uncle Rayn!" I laugh slightly, and he grins.

"That's what I used to be called," I say, smiling.

"Awesome. How're you guys doing?"

"How was your night?" I ask, dodging his question.

"Izzy's very insistent isn't she?" he muttered, knowing not to push it and ask again.

"That's one word for it," I nod, "must drive Craig nuts."

"Craig got her to stop after a while," he laughed. I smile.

We stay in the park for a couple of hours, but it's hard to avoid the fact that we have to go back at some point. Alice has managed to exhaust Rayn. I'm impressed. My mood hasn't especially improved, and I'm not so keen on going back, but... Alice wants to, and Rayn just wants to sleep.

I think the fact I know I should apologize to Gemme isn't helping much.

When we get back, I go into the kitchen for a drink and Gemme is still in there, her head against the wall. I wave the other two upstairs and they go without argument. She doesn't say anything, either ignoring me, or not noticing me.

"Gemme?"

"What?" she snaps, not moving.

"Jeez, calm down. I was about to apologize for being a dick earlier, but if you're just gonna snap at me, I might change my mind," I scowl at her back, drinking my water.

"Then change your mind, I... I don't care." Sure you don't. You wouldn't have hesitated if you didn't care.

"Apologizing would be a whole lot easier if you were actually facing me," I say, leaning on the table.

"You never liked apologizing, why would facing you make a difference?"

"Because then you would know I mean it," I mutter.

"I don't think that would matter."

"Why wouldn't it matter?" I ask with a frown. Knowing an apology makes all the difference, doesn't it?

"Because I don't care."

"Fine," I sigh, "well, either way, I'm sorry." I mumble, standing up again and making for the door.

"If you were you wouldn't have dragged me here," she tells me and I stop dead, turning to face her again, even if she won't look at me.

"Can you blame me for wanting you to remember who you were only yesterday morning?"

"But I'm not, I'm not her."

"So I've noticed. Don't worry, I won't try and force you to be someone you're not anymore, but I have just lost the person that had pretty much saved me from myself. Excuse me for being upset." I can't help the bitter edge in my voice. It's like grieving for someone that's just died, even if their body isn't gone - she's not the person I knew. I guess that person is gone for good.

"There's no point in hanging around, because I'll never be the one you loved. You have to move on Luca." Yeah. I figured that one out.

"I know. I'll... I'll go if you want me to," I sigh. Certainly doesn't feel like I'm particularly wanted anymore.

"I don't know." She sighs too, moving back and turning, so she's leaning back against the wall. I shrug.

"Let me know," I mumble, walking out into the hall.

"Why are you making this so hard for me?" I hear her ask.

"I don't mean to, Gemme," I say. It's not like I'm having a ball either. She whines wordlessly and I slap a hand to my forehead, moving back to the doorway to the kitchen. "What do you want me to do, hmm? ‘Cause I dunno. I dunno what I'm s'posed to do."

"What do you want to do?" There's the million dollar question right there. I want to get my Gemme back, I want to go back to how we were before those fucking anti-zodiac creeps got their hands on her, I want to look after her and Alice. Right now? Drugs sound like a pretty good idea too. Either that or I go back to touring.

"You know what I want. Either to get the Gemme I knew back or to somehow move on from it and start fresh. But I find it hard to move on from things... I can try, though."

"I know you want her back. I'm sorry, I am. But you have all my permission to go in my head and sort this mess out." I wish I could.

"That's not my power. I can't affect the mind, and if I could have done something about your physical memory, I would have."

"Then all I can do is apologize. I could sleep with you, say I love you and kiss you. But, I don't want to. I can't lie to you. You'll have to win me over all over again." But do I want to? I'm sure new Gemme is just as nice as old Gemme, but... it just feels weird.

"Maybe after I get over losing my Gemme," I whisper, turning away and walking up the stairs.

The End

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