I don’t know what to say. There’s a kid there calling me mummy and I don’t remember her. Who’s Rayn? More importantly right now, how do I make these voices stop? I look to Luca as we walk. I don’t know what to say. My throat feels dry and I don’t want to walk in silence... what can I say? I want him to stop blaming himself. I hardly know him, but he’s putting everything after me. I feel like running away. But, that won’t help. Because the only one that seems to know everything about me is stood right there. It seems to be only memories though. I still remember how to draw and drive and such.
I just can’t remember the important stuff. Like why do I have a kid calling me mummy who isn’t mine? Why am I walking next to someone who knows so much about me? Why do I feel so cold?
“Luca, Take off your top.” I don’t know where that came from; it just appeared in my mind. The memory seemed so old however; I push myself to know where it came from, but all I did was give myself a headache.
He stopped, surprised by my sudden speech. “What for?”
I push myself again... I needed to know where it came from and why did I have it? Why am I remembering stuff of no importance? "Tattoos..." I whisper, but I’m not sure why until he took off his top. I lifted my hand, I remember... it is so fuzzy but I remember... I trace my hand over his shoulder and back.
He turned slightly so that the wolf tattoo was facing me. "You designed the wolf one. It's how you met Benny; that name ring any bells?" Benny... Benny, no, nothing. The wolf tattoo meant nothing to me either.
"No, I'm afraid not. But this..." I smiled slightly, my hand still on his shoulder. "It was my first time." The memory, the whole memory played out. Too bad it was a useless one.
"Hmm?" He asked the look in his eyes slightly hopeful.
"I gave myself to you."
He smiled and nodded, "Yeah."
I managed a slight smile back. "Why am I remembering stuff of no importance?"
"What d'ya mean? I took your virginity, you thought it mattered, I remember." Oh yes, you took no interest, I remember.
"But... it's not helping me with anything else! I still don't know anyone, or anything more about myself!"
"Well you can ask questions, and I can at least try to answer them." I could ask questions, I had no questions.
"My parents. Are you ready to tell me yet? I already know it must be something bad."
"Well yeah, but I dunno if you're ready to know," he shrugged slightly.
"Oh, is it that bad?" He hesitated, but nodded. "You'll be here though, right?"
"Always, just- just a few hours ago, I was saying how I'd never let go of you, 'cause you had this bad dream that I'd let go." You let go... a burning rage began in my stomach, rising up through my body. Encasing my heart and instigating my mind...
"You let go of me, YOU let go!" I growled. I wanted to lash out, for some reason this... these three words seemed to mean the world to me.
He was shocked, "I didn't let go, what are you talking about?"
"You let go of me and you... you walked away and I reached for you. But you let go." I only remember his face as he turned his back and walked. That was it.
"What does it matter?"
"Brilliant. You remember how much you hate me, but not how much you love me," he muttered sullenly, "I'm here now, aren't I? I'm trying!"
"Then, just now, just now... I remember, just before you woke me up. You let go!"
"You were unconscious. You could have been dreaming again. I told you, I'm not gonna let go!"
"If you didn't let go then why can't I remember you!?"
He wiped his eyes angrily, "I don't know."
"I don't know why it's hurting me so much, those three words. But, it hurts so much... that you let go."
"Think about a different three words then; I love you." Those words... they hurt me even more. I took a sharp intake of breath. I have a headache. I can’t breathe. My heart hurts... why. Why, WHY, WHY!? I growled, tears falling down my face as I fell forward. “Why does it hurt?”