Luca: Hiding the hurtMature

"What have they done to you?" I whisper angrily, pushing my hand back through my hair.

"What are you on about? I'm fine. My name is.... oh..." She pauses, shaking her head. "I come from..." her face turns scared and I want to hold her and find a way to make her remember, but I don't know how she would react to that now she doesn't even remember me... "I don't know."

"You're Gemme," I mutter, "you come from England," I'm trying not to cry. Christ, don't let me cry. It might not have been so bad if she knew who I am, but it's suddenly like crying in front of a stranger. I'm not that weak. I give myself a mental slap.

"Am I? How do I know? Who are you... how do you know so much about me?"

"You're my girlfriend, Gemme. I'd be a pretty shit boyfriend if I didn't know anything about you... I'm a pretty shit boyfriend for letting you go out without me," I sigh, banging my head on my knees irritably. Why did I do that? Why didn't I tell them to watch us for a while? What if...? That question is just going to haunt me for the rest of my life, isn't it? "What if I made the right choice?"

"No... no. Boyfriend... really?" She looks shocked, now. "You're cute but did I..." Her eyes widen. "Oh my, did I... sleep with you?" She whispers and I sigh. "No, you see, you're lying. You have to be."

"Lying about what? You don't even know who you are or where you are. How would you know if I'm lying if you can't remember me either?"

"No... I... I don't know." You remember before when I've said I'm going to kill those anti zodiac people if I ever see them again? Take a guess at what I wanna do now.

I haven't got a clue how to deal with memory loss at the best of times, but now the person I love with all my heart can't even remember my name and the urge to cry kicks back in. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I hide my head on my knees, hoping they pass quickly.

"Did... did you just say something?" I shake my head, still not lifting it from my knees.

"No," I mumble into my leg.

"No. You did, you must have. Don't tell me I'm crazy."

"You're not crazy," I half look up at her, "you're not crazy at all."

"Then what are these voices in my head? You seem to know so much about me, tell me that then." Oh, for fuck's sake. You don't even know what you are, do you?

"You're a zodiac. One of the Gemini twins. You have a brother Ike. You can both read minds and alter thoughts and stuff like that. I'm one too."

"Now that's crazy."

"We all have different powers. You get mindfuck. I can move things without touching them... watch," I make some of the woodchips on the ground lift up into the air, spelling her name.

"No... no." She looks confused, and shakes her head furiously, but when she looks back up, the woodchips are still there. "Then what happened to me? Why can't I remember anything!?"

"I don't know. I knew it was a bad idea letting you go out without me there, but..." I trail off, regretting for the millionth time in the last five minutes that I'd not gone with them. She begins to cry.

"Then... did I love you? Does that mean... I loved you?" I nod and shuffle closer, offering my arms for a hug.

"Yeah, and I love you. I really, really love you." She puts her hand over her mouth, as I hesitantly put my arms around her.

"Oh, I'm so sorry."

"No... it's- it's not your fault," I mumble, still trying not to cry.

"What else am I missing? Who else am I gonna upset?"

"It's not you that's upsetting me," I tell her, "it's the people that made you forget... God, how am I gonna explain this to Alice?"

"Alice? You mentioned her before. Who is she?" She pauses, "She's not our kid is she?"

"Umm, we kinda adopted her. She calls us her mom and dad, but her real dad abandoned her with you a couple of months ago."

"Oh. I don't have a different kid with you do I?" How am I supposed to explain that she can't have any kids of her own?

"No, no other kids." I half whisper.

"Oh, good. But still, this Alice calls me her mum? How old is she?"

"Yeah, well she doesn't have any real parents. Neither of us know who her real mom is and her dad doesn't care about her. She's only five," I sigh, wondering how I'm supposed to bring up that she's on tour with my band as well?

"What of my mum and dad?" Oh. Fuck. Yeah... you killed them both. Brilliant, how am I supposed to tell you that?

"They're... they're..." I falter uncertainly.

"They're... they're what?" she asks, kinda impatiently and I dunno whether I should back off a bit, or keep hugging her.

"They're not... around anymore," I mutter, trying to think of some subtle, sensitive way of putting it. And failing.

"Oh, do you know... do you know what happened to them?" She whispers, stuttering slightly.

"Yeah, but I think we're both in enough of a state as it is. Do I really have to go into detail?"

"Oh, no. It's okay." She smiles weakly and I breathe an inward sigh of relief. "Do I... do I live around here?"

"No," I shake my head slightly, "neither of us do. I'm in a band... you're with us on tour at the moment. And the only fucking reason you can't remember your own name is because I had practice today." I say the last bit through gritted teeth, pissed off at myself.

"Please, stop blaming yourself." How can I stop blaming myself, when it's completely my fault? "I'm sure you're a really nice person!" She smiles, but I can't smile back. I'm not brilliant, but I try, I guess.  "So umm... am I still welcome to stay with you? I wouldn't want to be a problem."

"Of course," I stand up and offer my hand to help her up, "c'mon. We'll go back to the bus." She nods and takes my hand.

"Thank you so much for helping me... Luca was it?" I feel like Alex is stabbing me all over again as she asks me if she got my name right.

"Yeah. Luca to you, Cancer to most other people... No prizes for guessing what my zodiac is," I try to smile, not letting go of her hand as I start to lead her back in the direction of the bus.

"Why Luca to me? Seems rather strange."

"Umm... I dunno how to explain it. I guess Cancer is like what I want people to see. Only you see the real me."

"Colors," she says and I make the gate open itself as I look at her confused.

"Colors?"

"I don't know, it just came into my head. Just the word. Colors. True colors." I don't say anything as we walk and neither does she. She doesn't seem bothered by me holding her hand, but she's not really returning the grip. I try to ignore how much it's hurting me and focus on staying upright. That and making sure no one else tries anything while she's so confused and vulnerable.

The colors thing rings a bell though... When she found me again and we went for a coffee after dropping Alice off...  "I saw a glimpse of something beautiful, and I wanted to see it all. Your true colors, I guess."

I hope with all that I am that she was remembering that... Maybe there's some hope I can somehow get her memory back after all.

The End

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