Get out of my head Luca and stay out. I growled to myself. I know you love me. I love you too. I just, I don’t know. A lot of things ran through my head and I just wanted to clear it. But then something horrible popped into my mind. I wish Alice wasn’t here. I sorta meant it. I wanted Luca here with me, as much as I loved Alice, I wanted to stay here with Luca, me and him together.
I looked up at the sky, leaning further down on the floor. But, I loved Luca and everything we had been through and still we were here together. I began singing in my head to keep it clear for a while, from other people while I thought.
“I want to go back, but... all I do is cause heartache. Luca wants me back, but Alice doesn’t. I want to go back, if I didn’t bring so much darkness with me. It was my fault Alice got kidnapped; I was too busy gazing in awe at Luca. I should have looked after her and not given her safety to a bus driver I didn’t even know that well. I heard her talking to Luca, how do I explain what I was shouting to her father about? I can’t, if she was older she might have been able to understand... but, she needs to know now.”
I sunk a little further down so I was fully on the floor, gazing up at the sky. “I’ve let everyone down. I let Luca go, he’s now taking drugs. I’ve killed both my parents, pushed away my brother. I’m looking after a kid that hates me, that one day I’ll have to explain why she looks older than me and how she’s gonna die while I live on... oh, how horrible that will be.” I sigh, that definitely didn’t help my mood, or convince me to go back to the bus.
“But, if I don’t go back, Luca will hurt even more. The daft git thinks it’s his fault. Idiot,” I laugh a little to myself. “But sure, I may have been the biggest help in rescuing Alice, but, it was my fault. If I hadn’t been the trigger to send Luca into a spiralling decline with his drug use, then he wouldn’t have been high. If I hadn’t left Alice, I could’ve protected her. If I was just a normal human, I wouldn’t be here at all. Everything is my fault. I shouldn’t go back.”
This didn’t help, I was trying to persuade myself to go back to Alice and Luca and I was just pushing myself further and further away. I want Luca back, I want him here. That’s the only conclusion I came to. I sighed, pushing myself back up so my back rested on the tree again. I thought of the future, or tried to. Because the past is the past, you can’t change it. At present, I’m thinking, in the future... I dunno.
If I go back, I don’t know what will happen. But if I don’t go back, Luca will be stuck with Alice, he’ll probably continue going on tour and sink further into the drugs to the point where he’ll probably be dying every night. But, I couldn’t bring myself to stand, to stand and walk over there and smile, pretending, for Alice, that everything was okay. I just can’t do it.
I sighed, Luca, I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry.