Luca: Do I really want this?Mature

So Benny isn't dead after all. I guess that's good for him, but the only difference it makes to me is that Gemme lied. Again. Which confused me. Again.

I sit there and listen to what Gemme has to say about why she loves me and I honestly don't know what to say about any of it. With her power she saw something beautiful and wanted to see more? What the fuck is beautiful about me?

As she talks, I can kinda tell she doesn't think I want to be here. And I don't know if I do. I mean, it's nice to see her and everything, but it's just so fucked up that after everything that's happened that we can even speak to each other let alone smile or laugh or be relatively comfortable. I mean I don't mind sitting here having a coffee with her - not that I've touched mine, but y'know. But it's just so... surreal. I still feel like it's all one fucked up dream.

When she's finished talking, I suddenly realize that what she's been saying has triggered a craving and when I go to pick up my coffee, my hand is shaking a bit. Which is weird - I mean, isn't what she's been saying a good thing? I dunno.  I just don't know how to handle it. I pull my hand back, clasping them together under my chin and look up at her.

And what she said Benny had told her... about her waking me up, making me feel, about winning me back. He was right, I guess. I do want her back, let's face it, I never exactly moved on, it just looked like it, but can you really blame me for being cautious? It hurt when we fell out, and it hurt a lot, and it definitely fucked me up more than I already was. And I don't want to put myself in a position where I can hurt myself or her, or be hurt by her again. Or by anyone else for that matter. Feeling is fine, but being hurt is no fun at all.

"But what if, hypothetically speaking, we were to get back together again, who's to say it won't all happen again, something else won't find a way of fucking it all up again? Don't get me wrong, I do miss you and part of me wants you back, but I really don't want to go through so much shit like that again. What Benny said, about you waking me up, is true, I guess. When you finally got through to me, I was feeling for the first time, but when it got fucked up I was hurting properly for the first time, too, and I don't ever wanna feel like that again."

And I guess that's probably why I've turned into suck a bastard over the last couple of months, because if I'm the one causing the pain, I'm not the one getting hurt.

"Well, I guess it's up to us... me really, to make sure that never happens again. I don't want to see you hurt, I don't. You'll just have to tell me what you want from me, well, what you don't want me to do. Because when I guess, I sort of guess wrong."

"Yeah, but we both know that my temper makes things almost impossible at times," I sigh and light another cigarette, using telekinesis to do it because I don't trust my hands not to shake and betray me even more than my words already have. She reaches across the table and grabs my hand comfortingly.

"If you want it, we'll get through it." Do I want it? Like really want it? I'm still not sure, but there's a little voice going "yes" in the back of my head, "yes you do". I manage a smile and squeeze her hand back.

"I love you and I'll wait as long as it takes to get a true answer back," she tells me and my smile grows a bit.

"How did I survive the last couple of months without you?" I ask with a slight laugh and then my stomach grumbles, reminding me it still exists. That's a point. I've not really been eating much lately. I guess if I was a normal person I probably wouldn't have survived. 


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