As Luca shuffled out I sighed, why couldn’t I have a power that didn’t let me read other people’s minds? Well, at least it meant I didn’t have to fill myself with false hopes of possibly getting Luca back. But he was right, she needed as much innocence as she could get, I needed to tell her how to use her mind to tell me when she needed me. If something happened to her... I dunno what I would do. I was sick of hurting people, Luca, Ben... I couldn’t even bare to think about what would happen if Alice got caught up in all this too. Then I remembered Ben, how I had just thrown him out.
Well, Alice was upstairs. I had put her in bed and tucked her in; she must have tired herself out, she didn’t wake once. It was now morning and luckily, she was still in bed. I woke Ben up and we were both stood in the kitchen, hopefully, he was awake.
“Ben.” I started with my hands firmly around my cup of tea. “I don’t think I can go with you to Africa, I don’t think I can stay with you here.” I tried to keep my voice level as I spoke, this was so hard. I mean, I loved him sure. But I loved someone else more and I don’t think I could cope with being with someone so... human.
"Why? What's up?"
"Your mortality, I've been thinking, I just don't think it work."
He sighed and sat at the table, resting his head on his hand. "I know. It wouldn't work for ever, but it could work for a while... but that's up to you."
"I don't want to grow attached to you and then lose you. If you stay with me, you'll never have kids, get married... it'll go nowhere."
"No, I understand."
"In fact, I don't even know why I deceived you in the first place." He shrugged and his passiveness to the situation sort of hurt me. Made me question whether his heart was in it at all.
"Sorry, I don't think we should, I don't think you... I think you should leave." He sighed and got up, I didn’t know what to do, but how he just gave up made me want to break down for being such an idiot. I sighed myself and looked down at the floor.
"And so begins the lifelong search to becoming immortal," he muttered. "Still love ya," he smiled weakly, before disappearing off upstairs.
I instantly wanted to reply that I loved him too, but no. No, no. I can’t do that. I swallowed hard and closed my eyes, putting my cup on the side. Ben why did you have to make this so hard? I followed him up silently, standing in the doorway to our room. He sat on the bed, "No hard feelings, by the way. I totally understand that I'm gonna die and you're not and all that. That and you like Cancer still... I just wish I was capable of keeping a steady girlfriend," he laughed slightly.
"You will, someone better than a psycho that can read minds and will live forever."
"If ya say so," he sighed and let himself fall backwards so he was staring up at the ceiling.
I didn’t move I just stayed leaning on the doorframe. "Ben, you're only in your 20's. I mean, you have great talent as an artist, you're amazing at practically everything." I sighed, "You’ll find your true one, one day."
"I'll hold you to that one," he laughed.
“Ben, you can’t say I was your true love, you can’t say your heart skipped every time I was near you and that your breathing became heavy when I kissed you. I’m not your true love, and you should just try to move on.” I explained, trying to push him away as best I could. I just wanted him to leave, but I also wanted to hold him close and say that I was sorry.
“Doesn't mean I don't like you, though, you know that." I sighed again, he was just making this harder and harder.
"I never said you didn't like me, I'm saying you don't love me."
"No, I suppose not," he muttered, in a way that suggested he did, he just didn’t want to argue with me.
"Don't waste your life chasing after me. Go, go to Africa and travel the world. Find what you love and hold onto it and never let go. You just don't want to stay here."
"You sound like you're trying to find a nice way to kick me out,” trying, it’s not working.
"I want you to find a better place, a better life."
"Mmm,” I hate it when people make that sound as if, I want to tell you something, but I’m not sure if I actually do, mmm.
"If you want me to go, just say it, don't beat around the bush."
"I want to know what you want."
"I dunno. A girlfriend that cares and to be able to settle down, I guess. I guess I like you so much 'cause you care about stuff more than other girls," he smiled slightly.
I leant back against the door frame and closed my eyes, my hands on my stomach. I feel sick, not physically really, just like something hit me really bad, like a knife twisting in my stomach. "I care that much I tried to kill you." I reminded him.
"And I tried to rape you. I think we're square." Ben, why can’t you leave?
"No, that's not..." I sighed, "I don't want Alice to wake and find us arguing,"
“Yeah, sorry," he muttered, falling silent.
"I want you, it's true. I want Luca more. The fact I'm probably never going to be quite happy with either of you is killing me, but, I can't say it... I can't tell you to go so bluntly." Because, if I get Luca back and I tell him Ben’s not actually dead he’ll leave me again. If I stay with Ben, I’ll drive Luca away anyway and I’ll never be quite happy knowing I’ll outlive him.
He sat up, trying to smile, "you're too polite," he said.
"That's just me." I shrugged.
"Well," he pulled his laptop out of his bag and leant back against the wall, "I'll book a ticket for a flight to Africa and leave you to it, eh? I hope you somehow do find happiness, Gemme," he added sincerely, looking over the top of the screen, "you can't live forever and not be happy."
"Knowing me, I'll find a way to screw it up."
"Oh, c'mon. What kind of an attitude is that?"
"You always gotta look on the bright side of life. I'm single, travelling alone, but I'll find some way of entertaining myself along the way and being happy. I suggest you do the same. Well... to a certain extent," he smiled.
"I'd say I'll try but I don't like lying." I sighed.
"You have to at least /try/, Gemme."
"I don't have to do anything."
He waved a hand dismissively, "doesn't matter. You shouldn't wallow. Make the most of what you have."
"And other than Alice, what might that be?"
"A good business, a comfortable lifestyle and people that care."
"A person that cares," I corrected.
He looked up at me again, his expression almost impossible to read. "You haven't got a clue of what kind of impact you've left on Luca's life, have you?"
He shook his head in disbelief, glancing back at the screen for a second before closing the laptop. "You made him feel again. Even when he had Emily, he was still... numb. He didn't care about her as much as he cared about you. You really think he'd be in a band, actually doing something with his life now if you hadn't waked him up?"
"And now what? Now what am I to him!?"
"Well he wrote that song for you, didn't he? You're still on his mind, and you're the only one that can't seem to see it. Which is strange, considering you're the mind reader here."
"He doesn't want me on his mind though, he wants rid of me. I know it, I read his mind."
"I don't think it would be too hard to win him back, to be honest. If you don't mind Alice being around someone like that, obviously. But, that's up to you."
"The only reason Luca's talking to me is because of Alice." I sighed, "I can't win him back. I know I can't."
"You managed to be patient for him before, and if you want him back that bad, I'm sure you can be again."
"Right, well, if you're finished here..." I moaned, just the thought of Luca... no, I can't win him back. He hates me.
He sighed and shoved his laptop back in his bag, before getting up, putting his arms around me. "Just try. I want you to be happy, Gemme and if he's what will make you happy then you should go for it." He stood back, picking up his bag. "I'm gonna go to Cameron, see a few friends and crash there for the night, so I'll see you when I'm done with Africa."
I closed my eyes again, a pained expression on my face as I resisted the urge to break down crying. "Okay, I'll...I'll try." I muttered, my voice broken.
"Good," he murmured, kissing me on the cheek. Opening the door, he mumbled a "good bye" and left. I stood there dumbly for a moment; Alice was stood on the stairs looking at me.
“Where’s Benny going?” She whined and I turned round, picking her up and hugging her close. “He’s going on holiday, to Africa, he’ll be back to see you soon.”