Just a little excercise I guess. Yes, it is about me lol
I lay in silence on my bed, which at the moment feels like a piece of cardboard underneath me, for the fact that I have worked my ass off all day at work for the first time, and my body feels like it’s full of led. I can finally take a breather, and I close my eyes to take in the days’ events. I brush off the mere fact that I was mistaken for an emo girl and was told to go kill myself by “showing up at a suicide party”. It didn’t faze me much, because of course I’m not, but I could understand why those dicks would mistake me as one. But I then cringe at the thought of the real problem. Him. I replay in my mind all that has happened since I fell for him. Stupid choice, I know. But it has to be done so I can figure out what to do next.
I remember first realizing who he was. A friend of mine had been dating him for a while; three years to be exact. So of course I could put a face to a name when it came to him, which was pretty cute I must say, but I didn’t know him and I honestly didn’t care if I ever would or not. Then I realized that he was the first person I saw when I moved and had started going to a new school last March. I was the first one at the bus stop that day, which I remember to be subtly cool and breezy. He approached me to my left, and I caught my first glance of him. I didn’t pay much mind, because when it came to attractive guys I tend to stare, which in turn makes them uncomfortable. But for the short time that I did look at him, I was automatically attracted to him. The first thing that stood out was his dark, raven hair which hung lazily in his face, and his lean stature. At the time I was very uncomfortable in my skin, and frankly I still am, and I knew guys like him would never even look at girls like me, let alone talk to me and be my friend, and then eventually something more. But, it did, surprisingly, minus the “something more” part. I’m still kind of shocked.
When his girlfriend and I became friends, I guess that was a good thing. Maybe not now, but at the time it was. I eventually started sitting with her at lunch this year, and her boyfriend so happened to be sitting with her, along with some of their other friends, which I also knew. And that was the day I found out they broke up. WHAT?! I had never thought that would happen. They were so close and together so often it was like they were stitched together at the hip. And that was then when I started paying more attention to him. He looked different than he did the year before, but wooooaaaahhh he was gorgeous. He was a little on the short side, which was about my height, and he was lean, like I had stated before. His hair was much shorter, being almost cropped all the way around except for a part in the front which he gelled upwards. He had dark, mysterious eyes which matched his hair, and he had a faint stubble around his face. His skin was pale, almost like porcelain, not much different from mine. His teeth were pearly, and straight for the most part, which was good. It’s always been a major turn off for me when people have bad dental hygiene. His voice was nice and deep, and smooth, which made him seem more sophisticated. I noticed when he talked about stuff that made him uncomfortable he would have a habit of blinking more than I thought was normal, but it was cute to me. He was in the academy at my school, which was for law, and he was on the varsity crew team, along with being enrolled in AP classes. Wow! I thought that was awesome. And the more I learned about him, the more I wanted him, per say. So, we started talking to each other at the lunch table, and eventually took notice of each other in the hallways and at the bus stop, smiling at each other and saying hello. Once he even stopped on his way somewhere just to say hello, and ask if I was okay, for I was in the nurse’s office at the time. I felt like things were going well, and we were becoming friends. Not soon after, I realized there was more to him that meets the eye. I was stupid to think that he was so perfect and flawless. Everyone has flaws, silly.
One time at the lunch table I noticed how aggressive he was being, which was unlike his calm and collected nature. I asked him why, and he just blurted it out like it was nothing. “My dad beats me,” and he laughed. I was so upset with the fact, not just that he gets beaten, but that he blows it off like a joke. I couldn’t find myself talking to him for the rest of the day. Just recently, I found out from a friend that he is a stoner. Not hardcore or anything, but that he smokes weed all the time. I’ve never heard it from him, but I recalled his now ex-girlfriend mentioning that. I’ve smoked before, but only once or twice. And I didn’t plan on doing it ever again now that I’m finally getting my life together. So, that upset me even more. Despite that, I still liked him like crazy. But it’s starting to dwindle away like water down a drain. Not that I wanted it too, but I had no choice. I’m a good friend after all, and I’d rather suffer when it comes to people I care about so they’re happy.
I had always admired her, because her body was beautiful. Maybe that’s not the appropriate way to admire someone, but it is what it is right? She was really nice to me, and we became friends just like that. And one day, the morning started off great! Or so I thought. It was the time before the morning bell rang for school to start, and I was sitting in class chatting up with her. I then noticed his figure walk past the classroom, and then he peaked his head in. I thought it was because I was in there, and as he walked in I got up and greeted him. He said hello, and then walked past me over to her. I was a little disappointed, but it was okay. They talked a bit, then left the class to go walk together in the hall. I was very confused. When she came back, she talked nonstop about him and how cute he was and how much she liked him. I agreed with her and all, and then she said they had been up all night talking. Like, “talking, talking.” My heart sank. I told how I had been trying to become close with him, and that he was a great guy for the most part, and she apologized and said she felt bad. But, being the amazing and self-less friend that I am, I calmly said she could have him. She was very happy, and was practically bouncing in her seat. I felt a slight pain in my chest, and I knew my heart broke a little.
Why does this always happen to me? I’ve been asking myself that for years. But, the wars we wage with ourselves inside us, and the inner turmoil and conflict…. They NEVER go away. Every action constantly reminds you of your past, and even though we might not let them open old wounds, the scars we hold deep within us… we can still feel the pain. And I’ll always have a constant reminder. I look down on my arms and thighs, and all the suffering that I endured, the stories still lay on my skin. Every scar tells a story, I say.
I open my eyes back up, and everything is hazy. Tears burn in my eyes, but I hold them back. “Not today,” I tell myself. I pull the covers over my body, and curl up in the warmth. So… what do I do now? I close my eyes again and decided to sleep on it. My freedom from it all usually came in the form of a bed.