I said nothing afterwards. There was no need to.
The truth was there, wasn’t it? As usual, it wasn’t in my
favor. If there is a God, or someone controlling life as we know it, I’d like
for him to tell me why the heck he made me survive through my attempted
suicide. Was there really any need for more pain after that?
Eventually, I let them depart from my room. That is,
except for Charles. He just slumped down into a chair and sat there, staring at
the wall. I was wondering why he wasn’t leaving until he began telling me the
news in his world.
“You’re not the only one in a flux, mate. I broke up with
that one girl a while ago… whatever her name is”.
I grimaced. “Sorry to hear that. Not meaning to pry, but
what caused it?”
As I said this, Charles shied away from the subject. He
looked like he was doing some heavy thinking as though considering if he should
talk to me or not. I reminded him that I had just confessed a lot of
information to him, so it wouldn’t be too bad if he did so to me. I promised to
not tell a single person.
“There’s also another problem with me going out with her…
our views were rather different to say the least” he said, his voice barely a
whisper. “So I couldn’t keep her. I had different… motives”.
"You tried to have… you know…” I questioned him.
“Yeah, I did… she’s in the room down the hall, getting an
I shot up in my bed, an action I probably shouldn’t have
done considering the pain I received for the movement, but Charles simply
laughed and slapped his knee.
“Oh, ha ha ha! I knew you’d fall for that one, mate”
Charles cried, holding back tears. I grinned. It was typical for him to
incorporate dark humor at a time when it wasn’t needed, but still managed to
crack a smile.
“So, if you’re done with your revelation, I’ve got mine” I
began, though it looked like he knew what I was preparing to talk to him about.
“My advice… forget about it” Charles suggested. He really
did correctly assume what I planned to bring up.
“That’s what I thought… I think it’s time to move on, you
know?” I said, asking for some sort of tip in return from the British exchange
student who seemed to be a master in school affairs. He could be a principle if
he applied himself.
“Now you want to let her go. Mate, you should’ve done
that a long time ago. Would’ve saved you all the bloody tragedy” he said, a
hint of frustration in his voice. “You told her and met her first, fair and
square, no matter what she says. Kissing doesn’t count, old chap. True enough.
But girls are wired that way… they make stupid decisions. Just give her up.
Someone else will wind up with you eventually”.
I nodded slowly, but then I picked up velocity, the
defiance beginning to form inside my brain. How stupid had I been chasing after
Claudia all of these years? Truth hurts, yeah, whatever, but she’s the past. I’ll
put her in the same line as Samantha, and let it be. Oh, what did I care, I
could live alone for all I cared. I am, after all, the Loner, always will be
and never will change.
Charles leaned back and started filing his nails, a
practice he did often. Come to think of it, he frequented a lot of odd things
that a normal person wouldn’t do. His next question reinforced this.
“I couldn’t believe what Jacob Hall was wearing today”
Charles sighed, crossing his legs. “It was disappointing I must say. He looks
much better in black t-shirts. They go well with the jeans he wears nearly
every day. Don’t you think?”
I looked over at him incredulously. “I knew you liked to
talk about odd subjects Charles, but isn’t that just a little far?”
By the looks of it, he seemed to have recognized a
mistake in what he said and quickly shut up, uncrossing his legs and bowing his
head. It looked like I had put him in a bad mood with just one sentence.
“I told you, mate… my views are different” Charles
I shrugged. “That’s fine… I’m just no accustomed to it”.
He still looked really down in the dumps. “Listen, if there’s anything you need
to say, I would never tell your secrets to anyone no matter what they did to me”.
Charles took a deep breath, and spat out the words so
fast that I could barely comprehend them. “I’m gay”.
I was taken aback by this statement. Charles… gay? I
thought he had… no… he always acted strange… didn’t he? I guess it wasn’t too…
He almost got up and left the room, but I called him back
in. He walked in a manner that suggested he was made out of fragile material.
Slowly, ever so slowly, he lowered himself back into his seat. With a glance
over at me, he said nothing.
“You’re not running from me? Well, you can’t really run…
but you’re not repulsed?” He seemed surprised that I would accept him for who
“Charles, believe me when I say… I wouldn’t care if you
were straight or gay. There’s nothing wrong with letting out your feelings. If
that’s who you are, that’s who you are. No shame in admitting it”.
“It’s a rough world out there for people like me” he
lamented, getting awfully broke up about this whole ordeal. “Nobody’s really
out for you until you get older… the years before that are bloody terrible, old
chap. It’s hard living like the stereotypical teenager when you’re not… what
I immediately related to his current situation. “Charles,
I’m not accepted into society either. My life has been worse than yours!
Pretending isn’t fun, I get it, but the bad things in life haven’t struck you
down like they’ve done to me. People aren’t what I believe them to be… Claudia
isn’t as I thought… nor is Samantha, or even Craig Johnson on that matter. That’s
life… I understand that now. You’ll be fine, Charles… you’re not the Loner… or
at least not designated for your entire existence as it…” my voice trailed off
at the end as another fact of reality was thrown into my face.
Charles looked to seem much happier from my monologue. “Thanks,
mate… I should’ve known you wouldn’t be like the rest of ‘em. Doesn’t change
the facts, though… being gay… despite me being that way and liking it… is hard
in this generation”.
I had nothing to say to soften that comment. Since I wasn’t
exactly gay, I couldn’t relate to him completely, but to a pretty large extent.
Feeling bored, I turned on the television to the news. Charles didn’t seem to
mind, so I tuned in to it.
Soon, I tuned out. For some reason I felt like shouting.
Loudly and proudly, I would deliver a second ultimatum… one that would be
everlasting. It was a time for change… and I was uneasy about it… but I knew
who I wanted to spend my time with.
“You know, Claudia, I gave her my feelings first, and I
met her first. She’s… she’s stupid for falling for Daniel and not me!”
Charles realized what I was doing and urged me on to complete
my change, the change that would probably affect the lives of everyone else. “That’s
the spirit, mate!” he cheered.
“I’ve been stepped on by girls all the time… and they’re
not even interested in me. There’s no one of the female race out there for me!”
came the next part of my speech.
This threw Charles off a bit. “You tell-… wait, what?”
I leaned over to him and did the one thing I never
imagined myself doing in my entire lifetime.
I kissed him. On the lips.
Charles leaned away, sputtering, obviously caught
completely off-guard by my antics. However, he didn’t seem entirely bothered
“I’m ready to try if you are” I whispered to him.
He looked me in the eyes. “You’re sure you want to go gay…
go gay with me?” he asked for clarification.
I nodded, determined. Charles leaned towards me and
kissed me back.
“Then I am too, mate”.
“I don’t care if this doesn’t work out… you’ll be my
wingman any day any time”.
It was time for change, and if this was what I wanted,
what I desired, this is what I was going to do. I don’t care what other people
think… this was a new commitment. A new Loner.