So a month passed. And.....it's been interesting. Here, I'll explain.
We hadn't heard from Dad in about 2 months when at the week before court he started messaging my brothers, my Mom, and I. Now this made me upset. Then just plain mad. Ok I need to explain further.
First of all, I came to the conclusion that I wasnot to blame for my parent's marriage failure.It was kinda a big deal. I didn't plan it, I just got tired of thinking about it one night and decided it was stupid. I never really believed it again.
I had gotten nausea's a lot, and as luck would have it, I threw up for the first time in a couple of months when Tavie was around. Talk about guilt. But after that, I didn't eat a whole lot. Then, just outta no where, I got hungry. I would eat.....a lot. To say the least. But I needed it. This lasted for about a week, and I was so happy. Then the week before court rolled around.
I wanna try to explain to you something: there's a very special peace to those who decide they aren't going to worry about something. So, just like *that* I didn't worry about it. I don't remember when I did it, I just woke up one morning and realized I wasn't worrying. I started thinking more positively, something my depressed, worn out brain hadn't done in a while. And let me tell you it works.
Anyway. The week before court. Dad was trying to talk to us. So we had court Tuesday. I heard from Dad the Wednesday before court, then Thursday, then Friday I wake up.....and no message! I was so extremely happy to not have that weight tied to my foot. We went as a family to the drive in with some friends......then Dad texted Mom and said he has seen us. And we believed him because he had said something to give us proof. My brothers and I rolled up the windows, locked the doors. I sat there, texting Tavie like a crazy woman. Which is a miracle because I didn't say anything for about an hour. I could hardly think.....I don't know how to describe that feeling of fear, yet adrenaline. We left, got a refund, and did something else. Then I come home late at night and see he's messaged me again. I went to bed, not even reading his message.
After reading his messages, I was furious. He still tells me he didn't take drugs. All he does it talk about what "he needs" and what "he want's". Its not about his kids, its all about him. Augh. I wrote him back and while I wanted to cuss him out I didn't. But I did speak some of my mind. I tried hard to feel like I didn't have to give him the perfect response, which is always what I wanted to do. Because anything I say will make him mad.
But you know what this just proved to me? That the devil is trying to make us upset. Well, he isn't going to win, I am a warrior and my strength comes from God. I will not fail. This is the positive mentality I'm talking about. This is what kept me happy a lot of the time.
God's got this. He knows what's going on. He won't let me down, He won't let me get hurt. He loves me unconditionally, and for that I will trust Him.