One Step At A TimeMature

So Monday came around and I woke up throwing up. Mom told me she had made an appointment with my doctor because throwing up every morning wasn't normal. Ok. That's good with me. I wanted to just get the day over with. 

But I got ready to go and as I sat in the dentist office, I think it hit me that this was really going to happen. I put on music and sat there, nervously shaking my leg. Up and down, up and down. They called my name and I sat down and talked to the doctor.

"No you can't get addicted to the pain medication, I would have to give you a year's supply." 


They led me back to the surgery room, and I looked away as they put the IV in. Just a little pinch and it was in. The room got dizzy, I closed my eyes, and bam I was out. I remember waking up once, and start to shake. They were telling me to calm down, and I swear, I swear, I felt a calming presence in the room with me. I haven't told anybody this but......I just felt it. Like everything was soft and light. I went back to sleep and they finished.

I don't remember much after this point, except that I woke up sobbing. A friend sent me flowers and I tearfully asked if they were from Dad. I got mad at my Uncle and called him a butthole because he had been busy lately. I texted Tavie all upset because I felt so weird. She just kept saying Calmmmmm down its ok. :) 

I went to sleep without taking the medication. I woke up in a lot of pain. Mom asked me softly if I wanted any of it, but I shook my head. I took the pill and went to bed. I slept so good. 

I took the pills when I was in a lot of pain. But the mental agony I put myself through was terrible. Do I really need this? Because if I don't I could get hooked to it. I refuse to do that. Do I really need this pill? I mean, I can take the pain-----ohhhh that hurt. I probably should just take the stupid pill my whole face is shaking from pain. 

I got so worked up one time because I was in so much pain that I texted Tavie (who I had been whining to the entire time) and told her how upset I was about the pills. I was shaking and on the verge of tears as she told me to just take the pill and go to bed. 

My brother's birthday was also that week. With my brother's birthday also came one year since I had last seen Dad. Woah. 

The last time I had seen him was Abraham's 10th birthday. Abraham was uptight cause Dad was there, and after the party Dad didn't have a ride home. The previous week we had had a traumatic experience with Dad and Mom wouldn't give him a ride home. He got mad and about forced himself into the car, but then Mom called Mr. Benedick who brought him home. He tried to hug me, but I didn't want to be hugged. He looked at me and said "Hug me back." I watched him walk off and that was the last time I saw him. 

Tavie told me to focus on how much of a blessing Abraham was. Don't think about Dad. Don't think about the past. It was kinda easy, the medication I was forcing myself to take made me sleepy and I couldn't focus on one thing very well. I looked like a box because of all the swelling. I couldn't eat hardly anything. But I was happy. It was a God given happiness. Only God could have given me the peace I had to take any medication. 

God given peace. I needed that all the time. 

The End

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