I seem to go in cycles.......
I did well that week. Then I went with Tavie and her Mom to a homeschool convention and threw up twice on the way there. I felt better and decided to spend the night. I threw up a couple more times. Tavie was worried. Very worried. I had told her about my troubles with anxiety and stuff, so she knew what was going on. I had just said I wasn't hungry when she looked me in the eye and said something I'll never forget......though I knew she would ask it sometime.
"Promise you aren't throwing up on purpose?"
I had known this was coming, but her big blue eyes were so serious that my eyes filled with tears as I exclaimed I didn't want to throw up.
Then I ran to the bathroom and threw up again.
I felt so guilty for causing an inconvenience. I felt guilty for fighting something that looked like bulimia. I felt guilty for not being able to hide it all.
I went home the next day and slept. I couldn't think, I couldn't obsess. I just rested.
Oh, did I mention that I was very anxious to have my wisdom teeth removed at the end of that weekend? Yeah. There was a lot going on with that too. You see, it was the first time I would be in that much pain. They would want me to take pain meds.
I do not like pain meds.
I was scared of them because I didn't want to be addicted to them. Mom had two of her friends pray for me at church, and it helped some.
But I had a feeling it was just going to be Jesus and I when it boiled down to it.