Rollercoaster RidesMature

I was having an especially difficult night.

I was drowning in a sea of guilt and anger. Part of me didn't even know what I was feeling. I felt like I was going to explode. I didn't want to talk to anybody. 

Mom didn't talk about a therapist anymore. I didn't want one anymore.

I was feeling horrible. Just........the epitome of terrible. I hadn't felt like that in a while. I sat down at my keyboard and began to type. I got angry and started to list off all my problems. How backwards they were, and how I didn't think anybody could understand. I have them on here. Its called Letting Go. 

I sat there. All these problems typed out. It was a rather large list. I started to cry as I realized I couldn't fix this! No one could fix this! I would be a screw up for the rest of my life, and I have no future. I wasn't smart. I would amount to nothing

But then God said "Hold on! I'm not done yet." 

He spoke to my heart and said "If anything, will you live just because I want you to live?" 

Well, of course. I'll do anything you ask. Even if it means trudging through this life.  

I began to be encouraged. I wasn't hopeless. I would heal. I would be loved. I can make it. 

I still got sick almost everyday. I was getting small. Too small. I would make it a few days without throwing up then would. I could hardly eat. But when I started focusing all my anxiety of Jesus, I would feel a little more relaxed. I wasn't hoping for too much, I had been down this road before. 

But a little hope was all that I needed at that point. 

Ok God. Heal me. Because you want me to continue on. Because you want me to live. 

The End

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