I feel like I am epically screwing this story up. I wonder if anybody will even be able to understand it. But oh well, I think. Its my story. Those who will be touched will, the others I God will have to help.
I lived like this for a while. Stages of happiness then complete despair. I felt guilty for feeling despair, I knew I should be getting better. But I also felt guilty for getting better. So much of this problem defined who I was......if I was stripped of it, what would I be?
I missed Dad. A LOT. My heart was torn in two. Part of me hated him, and rejected him. The other half yearned for his love so much. I started to get physically sick thinking about everything. Just everything. I suppose you could call them panic attacks, it was basically constant nausea that usually ended in vomiting. It was horrible.
One particular night I was feeling very depressed. I was supposed to go to a friend's house for her sleepover, but I didn't want to very much. I went anyway. And even though I was surrounded by people who loved and cared for me, I felt so lonely. I felt so unloved. I felt I had to appear amiable to get them to like me. But that is wearing so as the night went on, my mask began to fall.
We decided to watch The Last Song. I was so ready for a sad movie, but not this one. I knew what it was about. It was about a family whose parents were separated then the kids go visit him. Then he dies of cancer. I was in constant worry my Dad would die. I thought he would commit suicide really. So we were watching this movie.
Tavie was there, along with about 6 other girls. I was snuggled up with another friend who I could tell was depressed. I watched the movie, thinking about Dad and my little brother the entire time. By the time the daughter and her Dad were happy and together even though he was dying, I was bawling. And so was the girl next to me. The her Dad died and I started sobbing. Really sobbing. Tavie got up and sat next to me, just snuggling up to me. She whispered something about just thinking about it all, but I wasn't at the moment. I was thinking about my anxiety level and how nauseous I was.
I finally got up and ran to the bathroom. I threw up. A lot. I just sat there and cried for a minute then looked in the mirror. I didn't even sit there to think to long, I knew what my mind would say. I went back out and sat between Tavie and my friend. After the movie was over I ran to the bathroom again. I threw up again. This time Tavie was standing outside the door. Oh crap. I had tried to hide the fact I was losing weight from not eating a lot from the nausea and vomiting from her......but she noticed.
I was so exhausted I fell asleep so quickly. I woke up the next morning and ran to the bathroom, where I threw up again. Tavie was standing outside the door and everybody else had gone upstairs. Hey are you ok? Did you throw up? I nodded and almost started crying again. Why do you think? I have no idea. I just.......really miss him. She nodded and left it alone. For a while.
That whole weekend I felt sick. Then Tavie saw me again and commented on how small I looked. I told her about throwing up and not eating a lot. She said I needed to talk to Mom. She said I should talk to her about a therapist again. No way. No way, no how. Plus Mom is already dealing with a lot. The divorce was coming, and with the divorce came the problem of parenting time with Dad. Mom was dealing with so much.
God had other plans.
That night my Mom read all my texts. Or a lot of them. She asked me why I was throwing up and through tear filled eyes I said I don't know! I guess anxiety.......she didn't say anything. She just looked hurt. She told me she would look into a therapist the next day. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know if I should feel happy, or mad, or mad at myself. So I talked to Tavie. And it felt good to talk. Thus a new season begins. Hopefully I though. I was still unsure of this.
Trust me. He whispered quietly to my spirit. Yes I will.