I woke up the next morning to a horrid stomach ache.
I got ready for church then puked. Nervousness is sucky.
I made it to church, with the letter in my purse. I didn't get into the service, but I tried something that had worked for a while. I traced all my worry, fear, and stress to God. I gave it to him. I started to feel better.
After the service, which was about forgiveness, I went to my pastor. With tears in my eyes I asked him with a catch in my throat
"But how do you forgive yourself?"
After all, that is the hardest thing to do.
He looked at me, and said it was the hardest thing to do. Its the beauty of the cross. He went on talking and I don't remember much of it at the moment. But he did give me a challenge. Look myself in the mirror and say "I love you" and really mean it.
I can't do that. Not whole-heartedly.
I texted Tavie, and told her that I was nervous and sick. She said that God has a light on the next step.
Mom had to work a twelve-hour shift. Note in hand before she left I stopped her in the kitchen and gave her the note. She laughed and asked if I had chewed her out. I told her it wasn't funny, and told her to read it before she went to work, and then to mull it over. She left, and I ran up into my room.
I started bawling. If this is what release tastes like I didn't know if I liked it. I felt free, but on edge.
I put on a movie and then waited.
I soon received a four page text from her. She said that God is good, and she knew about this. What the heck? How did she know about this? She said she had been following me on Protag. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. I'm such an idiot. None of this was ever your fault. Ehhhhh.......I think it was. I talked to some of the women in your life that you respect, Mrs. Benedick and two others and they have offered to listen and help. WHATTTTT????? NONONONONO. I can barely take off my mask with you let alone them. I hope I don't come across as anything perfect or unreal. But your close to perfect. Don't go freaking out about Protag.Don't worry. I already have.
I was crying and happy just to have it over with. I texted Tavie and told her it had gone well. I got slap-happy.
I asked her if she had told everybody about my issues issues. Nope, just a little bit. She said she had known for at least three weeks. Omygosh. All this time, I thought I was doing so well hiding. She knew. GAH.
The past can't be rewrote. I was happy. I wore this goofy grin the entire day. Tavie was so happy for me, she had been encouraging me to tell my Mom for a while. She was glad that I would be getting help.
I decided that I would still write freely on here. It helps calm my nerves and clears my cloudy head. I won't be lying on here. Its my outlet. My release.
This is were healing really begins.