It was awful. It was horrible. The whole world spun and I literally saw my life flash before me. I know it sounds stupid, and silly, but that's the best way to describe it. I saw Dad. I saw Mom. I saw my brothers. I remembered scenes I hadn't thought of in that one split second. I got up quickly and started to head to the bathroom, and
Tavie called after me asking if she should go. No I'll be fine. I could feel it coming up my throat.
I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I didn't start crying, but my throat burnt like crazy. I just kept throwing up.
I finally stopped and started washing myself off and then Tavie walked in. She didn't even survey the mess but just asked if I was alright. I mumbled something out about not getting sick on purpose.
She started asking me if talking about it had brought all those memories back. I started saying yes, yes, and just broke down. She pulled me off to the side, and I just collapsed onto her arm. I just cried. And cried. I couldn't stop. I tried to stop. I couldn't let anybody see me crying. Tavie just kept rubbing my back and telling me that it was just thinking about the past, and my dad, it was going to be alright.
I finally got control of myself a little and started to clean up. Let me tell you, if your friend helps you clean up throw up, she's a keeper. I just started going through the motions, and a couple of times I felt really sick again. We finally got out of there, and Tavie saw her Mom. My Mom was packing and wasn't there. Tavie hugged her Mom as I looked wishfully at them. So sweet.
Tavie told her Mom she had done well, and then her Mom asked how I did. Uh, not so well. Tavie said she got a little sick. Like thrown up? Yes, Mom she threw up. They offered to get me a soda and I jumped at the chance. I needed to get out of there. All those people and stuffy atmosphere. I jumped in the car and looked out the window. We drove up to the nearest gas station, and got some drinks. On the way back, Tavie's Mom talked about how sometimes parents make mistakes and when I grew up, I would screw my own kids up. I looked at Tavie with a freaked out look on my face. Don't think about the future. Don't think about your kids. She gave her Mom one of those looks and her Mom quickly apologized.
Art class was next, and my stomach started to settle down. I sent my Mom a text telling her sarcastically "Well that went well." She responded back with "Oh yay!" Oh my goodness. I told her that I had cried and puked. Oh I'm so sorry. That's it. I continued scrubbing charcoal on my white sheet. It felt good.
Tavie and I listened to music, then after class I left. Mom picked me up and talked to my storytelling teacher for a bit. We got in the car and I sat down sullenly. She told me that after we had moved, she wanted me to see a counseler. I just said yes. I think that took her off guard, but I felt like I needed too. All these emotions inside have to come out. Then she said she wanted to me write her a letter, telling her why I was angry at her. I didn't resist, just said another yes.
We got home, and I started to put on my cheery face. I packed and then sat down to eat. Ugh. I so didn't want to. My stomach turned, but I just started to eat. Then I felt better. I sat down and my Uncle started to talk to me. Said that he tried to tell me, I was exhausted and it was all too fresh. I had to be there, I said. I had to. I had commited to doing it. He understood but was still surprised.
I texted Tavie all day. I so wanted her with me. I was having an awful day. I kept thinking I should punish myself. I had done horribly. I was terrible. I was to scattered to even touch anybody. I turned on some cheery music and pushed it all out of my mind.
I got through the day, and I started to feel happier that night. I was so happy because I usually feel very depressed at night. The Benedick's who were helping us move, brought all us kids out to eat, because Mom was busy. It was nice, just sitting there feeling normal. Except my stomach was still doing flip-flops.
We went back to the house and Mrs. Benedick decided we needed to pray over this house. Yes good idea, I thought.
After they had prayed over the house Mrs. Benedick told me to come over there. I stood up and quickly crossed the room. She started to pray over me. Binding the Devil of tormenting thoughts. She prayed peace over my mind. Yes, I need peace Lord, I thought. She finished, and I went to go get ready for bed.
I stood there, and slowly put on my pj's. I was so tired I fell into bed.
I slept so well that night, and felt no anxiety in my heart. I had no nightmares, something I had been having for a while.