I woke up the next morning, still very tired from the lack of sleep, and started to freak out. Tavie seemed comfortable and confidant, which made me chill out a little more. I started getting ready and played some Christian music. I did my devotional and was encouraged.
I got there and was still pretty calm, but when the class came, I started to freak out. Our teacher, knowing that me and Tavie were having some trouble, sat us in a comfortable circle. This about the time I started to get dizzy, and started to feel sick to my stomach. My hands started trembling and I ran to the bathroom.
Tavie followed me to make sure I was alright, followed by my teacher. I felt like I was going to pass out. My teacher left after telling us that whenever we wanted to talk, just to nod our heads. She left. Tavie looked at me softly, pity in her eyes. I'm pretty sure I was mirroring that look. She asked me if I wanted to pray. Yes. She took my hands and started to pray, while I tried to get my emotions under a handle.
We went back into the room, and realized everybody had taken their seats. Tavie and I were not sitting together. I know it sounds weird but she supposed to be my wall, just there for me and now we had to sit apart from each other. We slowly took our seats and I started to tremble again.
The first person started to talk. The second. The third. Then Tavie. She did amazing. She trembled as she talked and her chin quivered but she had done it. I was so proud. About then I realized I was really going to have to do this.
Oh my freaking gosh. I have to do this. My entire body started shaking.
One of the girls talked about her parents seperating. Oh, this could be good. This could help with my situation. NOPE. Her parents got back together after 11 months. That made me feel even more like a spectacle.
My friend sitting to my left, took my hand and just squeezed it. She could tell I needed some help. I'm pretty sure there are still indentions from where my nails dug into her skin. I tried to listen to the other speakers, but I felt so badly, I just couldn't concentrate.
Oh no. Only two people left. I didn't want to go last. I couldn't go last.
I slowly nodded my head to my teacher and slowly started to ramble.
I thought my family was perfect, until a year and a half ago when my parents seperated suddenly. I talked about how I felt like the person I trusted the most had abandon me and how I felt like I couldn't trust God. I talked about him becoming a father to me.
I stopped talking with the conclusion that we had just moved, and that I hadn't seen my dad in six months. I breathed in, breathed out. I don't even remember if anybody was crying or not or if they clapped for me.
I just breathed.
The last person started talking and I started visiting that horrid memory lane. I started thinking. I shouldn't have. I couldn't help it though. I started crying, softly. Just a few tears. We finally ended with a prayer, and a couple of people gave me hugs. Tavie and I folded up our chairs and hugged each other. Tight. That was hard.
I almost started crying while I was talking. I hadn't gotten sick. I had done good.
Lunch was RIGHT after the class. I started unwrapping a sandwich and started at it for a while. I so don't want to eat that. My stomach hurts so bad. But I felt like I should since everybody else was, and I could tell Tavie was worrying since I kept staring into space.
I picked up the sandwich and started to tear it apart. I almost started crying and Tavie asked me if I wanted to talk. I told her I just need to get through this hour.
Then I took a bite.