2011 - 2012
The next school year started, sophomore year.
I did ok in school, but felt stupid. I dropped out of chemistry because I was behind in Math. That hurt. People asked, I said I was going to do it over the summer. I liked English, Writing, and Reading. I did well in those subjects.
I blamed myself for my parents separation. If only I had done this, or if only I hadn't done that. It hurt. I did miss my dad. I missed being loved so much by a parent. My Mom was great, but she was busy and often times didn't have enough time. She also was closer to the boys than me.
About this time, I had kept all my feelings bottled up inside of me for a year and a half. I didn't know what to do with it all. I started to scratch myself.
I was up late. I had work to do and I couldn't go to bed yet. I had tried everything. Listening to music to cover up the thoughts going through my head, trying to escape to another world.....nothing was working. I went outside and stood in the cold. Everything just started to boil and I wanted to scream and cry. Our house was brick. I saw the brick and put my wrist up to it. I scraped my wrist down, tears filling my eyes and my teeth gritted. I saw the angry red marks in the porchlight and did it again. The pain inside was gone. I didn't even feel the scratches. My heart started to go cold.
I realized what a horrible thing I had done the next day, and told myself I would never do it again. Until the next time I got upset and used my nails. Long and hard. And that's when it became somewhat of a cycle. A horrible, malicious cycle.
Tavie and I got even closer and she helped me through a lot. I didn't tell her about the scratching. About this point I really turned to God. I realized what a horrible thing I was caught in and I wanted His help. I needed it. I had this idea in my head that God heard me but He just thought, "Oh, she can be ok for a little while longer." I felt alone and orphaned.
Tavie is my best friend. One night, I found out she cut herself. I was devastated. But I didn't tell her about myself until later. I needed to be strong. I had to be perfect. Then I found out she relapsed. I was heartbroken and told her about myself. She realized what I must have felt like and we decided to make a promise to each other. We made a covenant, never to self harm again, and when we felt tempted to, we would contact the other person. We would be supportive.
I didn't see myself worthy of having such a great friend. I didn't understand that God had given me such a great friendship during this time, so I could help her and she could help me. I'm reminded daily that I'm not alone. I have God and the people he has given me to help me get through this. I'm forever grateful for Tavie.
There were times I would pick up something to do some serious damage to myself. I would sit there and think about all the bad things I had done. But then I would think of Tavie, and how much she would be disappointed and hurt if I let her down. I would think of God and how much he would cry. I would throw the object across the room curled up in bed, and write Tavie. She always knew what to say.
That was my spiritual condition. Chaos was ensuing, the war for my soul was in full swing. And the outer world was showing signs of distress too.