This Desolate WastelandMature

2007 - 2009

My eyes start to tear up when I think about this time.

This desolate wasteland.

I'm homeschooled. I didn't get out a lot. I would be in a group one year, then Dad would pull me out, right when I was starting to make friends. I never questioned it, though I wondered. I should have had friends. I was the socially interactive person and longed for friends.

My parents started to fight. They would say they were "discussions" but they couldn't fool us. They started out quiet, calm, just "talks" but they quickly grew into fighting matchs and Dad throwing stuff. He would tip of the table, and throw the chairs, and one time he threw a pot. It almost hit Abrahams head. That would have been the day I would have lost it.

I tried so hard to protect my brothers. I would bring them upstairs, but we couldn't drown out the shouts with any kind of loudness. Plus we were scared to leave them alone. They would fight usually 3 out of the 4 weeks in a month. The 1 week was for the cold shoulder.

After a fight, my dad would always go out. Always. And either me or Scott or both of us would go. Why? I don't know, but that was when he would brainwash us. Tell us how wrong our mother was, tell us how much he works, tell us how ungrateful she is. I should have stuck my fingers in my ears and just yelled but I ate it up. And I resented my mom. 

I would beg her to just be quiet, to just let him have his way. I see now what a horrible situation it was.

I would cry in my room, begging God to just take. me. home.

I would journal, telling how alone I felt, how I wished I had a friend, how much I just wanted to go to heaven. I would cry, and I heard no answer. Except for a scripture. It was about this time, in this dark valley God gave me the scripture "For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you a future, and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11. I clung to this. 

I had always slept with my dad. Always. I didn't get the "talk" I eventually found out how everything works. I didn't know it was wrong, I was just sleeping with him. Nothing happened, but I can see how some people would have been suspicious. A 12-year old sleeping with her father in another room than his wife? By this time he had stopped sleeping in he and Mom's bedroom and was on the couch or Scott's bedroom. I was usually with him. He usually slept till noon and worked all night. Mom would work 3 days a week on our business and would come home, tired and start fighting.

My life was collapsing around me and it would get much worse.

The End

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