The Interesting Misdeeds Of A Naughty Warrior I

“What are you thinking about?” Valak asked me as we skinned our respective animals.
“Oh… just stuff I guess… I'm pretty bored. Prince Prick thinks we’re going to the desert. You know I don’t think he can read a map” I told him.
“Doesn’t your prince deserve a little respect?” Valak asked me uncaringly.
“No, no. He’s a prick through and through. Though I just wish there was something I could to in order to liven things up around here…” I said all melancholy like.
“Get them drunk” Valak suggested.
“Nah can’t do that; the Sievere would die if they ingest alcohol. You know more about poisons to other races than I do I'm sure” I rejected his plan.
“Why do you think I suggested it?” Valak said with an evil grin.
“Oh you! Always messing around and getting into trouble! When will you learn? Tsk” I said in a silly voice and putting my hands on my hips. “Although Lyra told me something interesting, and did it, once…”
“Who’s that?” Valak asked.
“The one who gags when she sees you. Anyways sweets have the biggest effect on Sievere, only downside is that they get a massive hangover afterwards. Pussies.” I explained to him.
“Well don’t you run really fast?” Valak asked.
“Yeah… why?” I asked back.
“Go get some, I’ve got alcohol. Let’s get them all wasted” Valak said with another evil grin, to which I joined him in.
“That is a fantastic idea, be right back!” I said standing up.

Before the others asked me what I was doing, I was running, and within an hour I had reached another settlement. I didn’t stop, I continued to run through a shop, picking up sweets and such, ran out of the store without paying and back to the campsite.

I got back to the campsite just as everyone was unpacking blankets to rest for the night. I got to Valak who was sitting alone and stopped. He had the ale, super strong ale by the looks of it, and started putting it into mugs. I got the sweets and started grinding them to drop the sugary remains in mugs of water.
Half sugar, half water, and mugs packed with Vaan super alcohol, designed to knock out the biggest of creatures. Let’s have some fun!

I walked around and started giving the mugs to everyone whilst stifling a giggle; Valak had retreated to a dark corner to watch. They all took the mugs with confused faces; they demanded to know where I went. I told them to suck a lemon.

After I gave them all their mugs I sat down with my own but noticed they weren’t drinking theirs. They couldn’t have known! Vaan alcohol was odourless! So I decided to force them into action, I raised my mug a proposed a toast.

“To Destran! Who will be our future king and ruler!” I said cheerily, the others seemed to buy it and raised their mugs to toast, except Zahkon.

I threw a hissy fit and everybody stopped their mugs to look at me. I stopped and pointed at Zahkon who refused to drink. I had to think on my toes, I was not going to let one single person go sober tonight.

“To Lyra! Who is a beacon of beauty and friendship!” I said cheerily, and this one seemed to work. Zahkon raised his mug with everyone else. Everyone else accept Brena, who seemed very suspicious of my actions.

I threw another hissy fit to stop everyone. Bloody hell! Why is it so hard to get everyone hammered! Oh! An idea has just come from my text thoughts!

“To everyone! Who I will shut up forever around if you all drink up!” I said raising my mug again. That did the trick, everyone quickly gulped down everything they had, hoping to shut me up. I too gulped down some of Valak’s ale, and boy howdy was that strrrrrooooonnng stuffff…. *Hic*




Sooo… I dunno much bout what happens. *Hic* I remembur Lyra finking she wass a burd. *Hic* Deshtran waaaaas makin a speech bout how bad ee wos. I knew ee started takin off his boots and shhhirt. *Hic*

Yara wos pretendin she wos a seashell. Banananana ad the giggle fitss. Idiot wos wasted mate! Ee stared at his ands and fingerss. Kept on *Hic* asskin if dis wos real life or fantasy. Ee den started ta sing bout lightning scarin im, his momma, ssome guy called Michelangelo?




I woke up with the biggest hangover. I leaned up, I was completely naked. My trousers were wrapped around Destran’s head, and he was wearing Lyra’s dress, and Yara’s shoes. He was passed out on a collection of sticks created into a makeshift throne.

Lyra was wearing Destran’s clothes, and her hair had been cut in half. The hair that was cut had been stuck to her face to make it seem she had bushy eyebrows and a beard. She was passed out over a log, her bare feet sticking in the air.

I noticed a flag pole had been made, and at the top of it was Yara’s dress acting as a flag. It had Queen Yara of the Snorkakas written in some kind of ink. Beneath it was a passed out Yara, wearing Destran’s boots and a towel that revealed a bit too much. I knew she probably wasn’t wearing anything else under what the towel did cover.

Zahkon was unconscious on the ground a little bit away from her, his arms and legs spread out like an angel. His Juju veins had been taken out of his hair and shoved in his snoring mouth. Along with the tattoos, different sets of handwriting covered his body, my own included. Other people and I had got some ink and wrote on his forehead, face, and chest. Messages like; ‘I'm an idiot’ ‘I like it rough’ ‘I like midgets on Tikita’s’ ‘I like to do the cha-cha in my undies’ ‘I hope that’s a pie in my pants.’

Across from him, Valak had been tied up to a tree with a lot of rope. A lot of rubbing marks and scratches told me he must have been forced into that, and he had been struggling all night.

Behind me was Brena, she was wearing the pots for shoes and her corset was covered in what I hoped was just dirt. Her hair was all over the place, and looked like she had a strain of Lyra’s hair as some kind of highlight. However, she was covered in all my clothes minus the trousers as an extra blanket, and was sprawled out like she owned the world. Her axe had somehow been set up in a way that it was being held up by a piece of string, and the tripwire was between her legs, preventing anybody from violating her lest they lose their manhood from the axe.



Best. Night. Ever.

The End

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