An Unexpected Hero

The Juju guy threw the Darma’s leg at me, I pretended to be knocked over by the weight and fell to the floor laughing. “What?! No ketchup?!” I called after him.
But he had already buggered off into the trees, clearly he was a man of nature and my little act on the dead Darma must have upset him. He was easy to taunt, easy to boil. I figured if I just called him Idiot from then on and did lewd acts to nature, I could get him to try and kill me.

The group began to move after the hot woman, who named herself as Brena, pointed them towards her village, they moved off without me as I had a little fun thrashing my legs around trying to get the leg off of me.
Once they had cleared the area I picked up the leg with one arm and tossed it aside. I was prepared to start cooking the meat to appease my wrathful stomach when I realised I actually could get those people make me a meal. That and half the reason of wanting them to attack me, is why I left the dismembered corpse of the Darma behind and followed them through the clearing.

I came across a tiny village where it was a good chance everybody was inbreeded. I saw the prince and the others talking to a blacksmith and I strode towards them without their noticing. I wasn’t really paying attention to what they were saying until I heard Brena say "They killed the creature, Papa.”

They…? THEY?! I did not like that one bit. I killed the Darma, it was my kill and I would inform them as such!

I stepped forward bursting with confidence. "Don't listen to her, I killed the creature, these fools didn't know what hit them until I showed up!" I said doing an overly dramatic bow in an attempt to annoy Brena.
I figured if I insulted her father she would get incredibly angry with me. To my surprise however she stifled a giggle! I realised that wasn’t going to work so I jerked back up. Brena came across to me as the kind of girl who was a bit on the wild, rebellious side. I like that trait in people, especially in young women such as her.

I went with a more direct approach to annoy her: greed and arrogance.
"What award will you give me, for doing what all the people in this puny village couldn't?" I demanded.

The father seemed more annoyed about this then Brena and stepped forward spouting on about why should he give me something. Brena stepped forward, clearly afraid her father would act brashly… or maybe the other way around… she seemed smarter than her father at least. I put my hand up to quietly tell her to stay out of it, I was in no danger and she got the message.

"Of course," I said. "I took care of your little problem, so I am demanding an award!" I added a forced chuckle at the end. The next thing I knew the blacksmith was pointing a red hot sword at my neck, I could feel its burning edge singeing my skin. I couldn’t help but laugh at the futileness of his actions!
"Try it, I dare you!" I encouraged him still laughing. At that point the blacksmiths eyes narrowed and he seemed to realise he was pointing a sword at me, a man who had just single handily killed a Darma. He dropped the sword and said to the prince his group could stay in the village, I wasn’t sure if I was included in that.

The man went away and I pulled some faces at him whilst the others went off. They went off and did their own thing whilst I perused around the tiny village, coming across a small shop I followed my belly in the quest for some food.
The shop was very small, and quite dank at that. The smell of rotten vegetables filled the air and it was completely empty, even the shop keeper was nowhere to be found. The shelves were quite bare say for a few carrots and jars of assortments, seeing as how the shopkeeper was not around I helped myself and began digging into the carrots. Opening up the jars, I ate quite a few pickles and gherkins. Man this was so going to give me some bad breath but it all tasted so good! I hadn’t eaten in weeks!

By the time I was finished there was pretty much nothing left to eat, and that was when I heard a man cry out behind me. I turned to see somebody behind a counter with a knife and tears going down his face. “Thief! You despicable thief! You ate everything we had!” he shouted.

“Nah, I’m not a thief friend, just a hungry man. Here I’ve got some gold on me” I began rummaging around my pockets but couldn’t find any gold. I slapped my forehead and realised my gold must have fallen from my pockets when I was hanging from that branch.
“Hey dude I'm sorry, it seems I’ve misplaced my gold… can I give you an I.O.U?” I asked him sincerely.

The man jumped over the counter and ran at me screaming and tried to stab me with the knife, I effortlessly grabbed his arm and forced the weapon out of his hand. “Hey dude, I know stealing is wrong and stuff but isn’t that going overboard?”

The shopkeeper broke down into tears before me and wailed “What are we going to do now?! That was everything we had! That creature has prevented us from growing or trading for any more food! You’ve eaten the last of the village supplies!”

“Look buddy, not my problem. If you guys don’t know how to take care of a Darma problem then that’s your thing. I'm gonna head back into the forest, find my money and pay you for what I ate. I don’t need to hear your life story” I said uncaringly. I turned on my heel and walked out of the door, the man’s sobs steadily getting softer with each step.

I retraced my steps back into the trees and soon enough, I found the dead Darma again. I spent at least an hour searching all over for my money but I couldn’t find it, which was rather frustrating. I stood up and scratched my head, wondering what the hell I could do to pay back the shopkeeper.
I glanced at the dead Darma and an idea popped into my head, I ventured over to where I had thrown the leg and grabbed hold of one of the claws and began dragging it behind me. If I couldn’t pay him back in gold, I could pay him back in meat I figured.

I shoved the leg into the mouth of the Darma and grabbed its lower mouth, I then went over to the lower half and grabbed the tail and started dragging to two ends of the Darma behind me. Why did I have to cut it in half? It was such a pain to drag it back like this. 
A trail of blood marked the path behind me as I heaved the two massive halves of the Darma through the trees, yanking them whenever they got stuck on branches or in-between the trunks. Eventually I heard voices, which was strange because I wasn’t that close to the village yet, I detoured and wandered over to the sounds and peeped through the bushes.

Idiot and one of the Sievere were there talking alone, they seemed quite embarrassed of each other… Ahh young love… I didn’t particularly want to throw up what I had just eaten to I left them to whatever love fest they had planned for each other.
I snapped a twig on my way away and Idiot must have heard it, because he grabbed the Sievere’s hand and ran away.

Eventually I came back to the village with both ends of the Darma and dragged it to the shop, everyone who was walking around stopped to look at the massive, dead creature and quailed in fear at the fact that I was dragging it by myself. I left the body outside and went back into the shop to see the shopkeeper at the counter still crying his eyes out. I took his shoulder and pulled him outside despite his protests and demands to know what was going on.

I put him in front of the mouth and he looked like he crapped himself, causing me to laugh very loudly. The shopkeeper turned around with the biggest shock on his face. “What is this… thing?” He asked.

“That is payment for all the food I ate, I'm giving it to you, I'm sure you can eat it right?” I answered without thinking much of the ramifications.

Tears began falling down the man’s face again and his lip trembled. “You’re giving me this creature? Just like that?! You’ve… you’ve… saved the village…” he said sheepishly.

“What?” I said dumbfounded.


“No!! No! No! No! NO!” I shouted after I had finally realised what an act of giving him the Darma would do for the village.

“HE’S OUR HERO! THE VILLAGE HERO!” Somebody from the crowd shouted.

“NO! I'm telling you I wasn’t thinking about that! I just wanted to pay off all the food I ate! That’s all!” I shouted at the villagers. The last thing I wanted to do was be a hero to this weak lot. I punched myself out of my own stupidity.

Everyone was cheering for me and I didn’t know what to do. Should I run away? Should I take the Darma back?! Before I could find an answer, the prince and Brena appeared and came up to me with big smiles.
“Well it seems you’re not so bad after all Valenstar, maybe I misjudged you” the prince said in a friendly tone.

“You’re… amazing! So manly and chivalrous!” Brena said with stars in her eyes.



The End

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