The Annoying Warrior Enters

"Ahem" I said while scratching the scar on the bridge of my nose.

The group I had come across turned around to see me standing on the opposite side of the stream to them. I pointed at the over turned stew pot following the advice of my growling stomach. "You guys gonna eat that?" I asked with a condescending voice to try and annoy them whilst I referenced the little bits of stew left in the pot.

"What?" said a posh looking guy looking quite disbelieving. "Run! There's a monster here! Go!" he shouted at me and signaling for me to run away.

Me? Run away? The thought made me smile. "What that little Darma? It's just an iddle biddy baby! Why would I run from that?" I said as I chuckled over how serious they were taking the situation.

"Go get out of-" The posh boy was cut off when a woman with an axe pulled him to the floor to avoid a massive, clawed paw swiping at him.
The other people of their group broke off and split up. A Falath'Nakan with Juju veins in his hair ran to the side and riddled the beast with arrows. This only caused the beast to grab its attention and it charged, knocking him down, and almost being trampled. I laughed and walked over to the pot.

The woman with the axe tried to hack away at it's legs whilst its attention was fixated on the Juju guy. This only aggravated it because the creature knocked her away with one small swipe; the posh boy ran and jumped to catch her before she landed to save serious injury. I noticed these guys were pretty strong, if somewhat unskilled.
Two Sievere had snuck around to the back of the beast and jumped on the red, furry tipped tail and began hacking away at it with small knifes. The beast noticed these two little insects on it so it whipped its tail and flung them off, then turned around to growl at them whilst continuing to whip its tail. I was surprised they didn't burst into water by looking at the state of their bodies.

This group of adventurers was all battered and bruised. Clearly they had never taken on a Darma before. They backed up, trying to re-organize themselves before the Darma attacked them again.
I supposed I'll save them in a bit, but first I wanted to eat. So I knelt down and tried to scoop out what remained of the stew. I acted oblivious to the massive beast only a few feet away from me to give these people a false sense of death. I taste tested the stew which surprisingly put a big grin on my usually stiff face.

I stood up and called over to them. "Hey you lot! I know you're busy and all, but I just wanted to say this is one hell of a good stew! Who made it?!" I called out to them rubbing my tummy. I hoped they felt like they were doomed, I wanted to look especially cool to that girl with the axe. She was hot, and she looked strong.
They however, didn't answer me because they were far too busy trying to survive the Darma closing in on them, its mouth was watering with excitement over the big dinner it was about to have. How rude of them.

Still I was enjoying my leftovers with relative peace. Starving myself did not work so I decided to eat the first thing I could find. I had to duck though from a lash of the Darma's tail. That was pretty close, good thing it didn't hit the pot otherwise I'd be really... I noticed the pot had been smashed to pieces by the force of the swipe; my snack along with it.
"Hey! That was my food! I called dibs!" I said shouting at the beast that ignored me.

That really annoyed me so I paced towards the creature. The other people had managed to huddle together but were too weak to move any further. One of the Sievere fell into the Juju guy's arms and the two hugged each other tightly, the woman screamed and covered her head. The other Sievere and the posh boy found each other's hands and stared into one another's eyes briefly before shutting them tight waiting for the killing bite. Ha! This was probably a group of young lovers! Clearly they all wanted to bang each other's brains out.

I walked up beside the creature and grabbed it's neck with my hand and forced it down onto the ground. I noticed they had all opened their eyes to see me force it down. Man they looked like little children the way they looked shocked over my strength. I decided to show off a bit and yell at the creature for a good show.
"That was mine! How dare you spoil my food!" I shouted feeling rather annoyed.

The Darma tried to back up with its hind legs when I kicked its mouth, shattering most of its teeth and blasting the hair on the posh boy's head backwards. I let go and the beast backed up whimpering for a moment, before roaring and charging with its paws swiping everywhere.

I grabbed onto one of the paws as it came close to me and rode it as the creature tried to shake me off, it was pretty fun to say the least. I climbed up its leg and began standing on its back tapping my foot to rub it off. The Darma thrashed about and whipped its tail up to get me off when I jumped several feet into the air and hung from a tree branch above me.
The tail continued and whipped the Darma on its head, causing it to roar in pain and anger while it simply caused me to burst out laughing. It looked around for me when I decided to rub it off a bit more, I threw my boomerang and it clearly felt a whack on the back of it's head. Because it looked up to see me smiling and giving him the middle finger, I didn't care if it understood the gesture or not, it was pretty damn awesome.

I decided to goad it like holding a string above a cat by shaking my butt at it. "Whoa there nelly! I'm right up here! C'mon! Reach up! Just a little further!" I laughed while antagonizing the Darma. It stood on its hind legs trying to swipe me. All the while I kept on throwing my boomerang at it, scoring shots in the eye and ears. This only served to make the creature angrier and me happier.

But it was time to end it I guessed, I was getting pretty bored and I was still kinda hungry so I put my boomerang away and pulled out my sword that was sheathed on my back and fell from the branch. I had my sword raised over my head aiming for its forehead. I landed directly on the beasts brow and impaled my sword directly into its neck, I kicked off of the head and cut the beasts neck open by swinging down it like my sword was a zip-wire. That was pretty fun too, then again, killing big things usually was.

The beast thrashed and nearly took off my head! Fat lot of good it would have done him even if he had. I gave one final smirk and gave a twirl swinging my sword and I cut up, focusing my strength into my arm. In an instant the creature was cleaved in two by its waist and it ceased to move from then on.
I sheathed my sword and clambered back on top of its head to give a victory pose with my hands on my hips to my adoring audience, shouting "Ha Haaa!!"

The hot woman with the axe looked at me and was clearly awed by my strength, skill, and fearless nature. I saw her blush at what she must have thought was an epitome of bravery and chivalry when I caught her eye.
I couldn't have her develop any feelings for me; she looked good for a shag but didn't seem the girlfriend type. I decided to teabag my kill to put her off me, best way to kill a woman's attraction is to not be everything they think you are.

I began to squat on the creature repeatedly. "Aww yeah! Take my teabag! Take it!" I said.
The woman immediately looked disgusted and disappointed, damn I'm good.

I continued my squatting for another minute, I liked tea bagging my kills. I then slid down the creature's dead face on to the ground and stood before the battle weary adventurers.
"Who are you? How did you do all that?" The posh boy asked breathlessly.

Now or never I guessed, hopefully these guys are the ones... At least I hoped they were, they seemed pretty strong.

I sneered at them which seemed to insult them, mission accomplished! I pointed at myself with the biggest grin I could muster, but making facial expressions had always been kinda hard for me.
"My name is Valenstar, Jack Valenstar!" I said trying to sound arrogant when a good idea to make them hate me popped into my head. I pointed at the posh boy who, now that I thought about it, looked like royalty. Well the only royalty around his age was the prince, why the hell would the prince be out here I wondered... Then it hit me!

The prince was supposed to go on some quest or some crap like that to prove his worth. Stupid really I had always thought, why risk one's only son when there were safer ways to test if one was fit for the throne? In any case I decided to feign ignorance to give the idea I was stupid. People get more upset if they think they're being insulted by somebody they have deemed themselves better than.

"And you owe me some food! Kicking ass always gives me an appetite!" I demanded quite gleefully.

The End

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