How could I have been so stupid?
How could I have been so insensitive?
How could I have been so downright impulsive?
I saw the myriad of emotions flash through Dakota's eyes, and when he told me what had happened to Devyn's mother...oh, how my heart regretted my words...
How could I claim to be a Christian if I continued to make the same mistakes over and over again? Curse my incomparable stupidity!
Frustrated beyond anything that even I could fully express, I was tempted to turn around and run away. How could I face Devyn after the way I'd treated him? Cheater or no, he deserved to be comforted after his mother's death. How could I expect him to be perfect if his personal life was in such shambles? Especially since the shambles weren't his fault - oh, I just wanted to die right then and there!
I could see Dakota was waiting for my reaction, but there were no words I could say. My wordlessness filled the silent air.
"Fine, then, be stubborn like that," Dakota muttered.
I caught his arm. "Dakota," I whispered, and it was then that I allowed my facade to crumble. "I'm so sorry...I had no idea...I'm so sorry, Dakota..."
Dakota wrenched his arm from my grasp and walked away, leaving me to do nothing but gape in his wake. So he was leaving me, then?
But hadn't I done much worse?
God, I've made such a mess of everything! Why do I keep ruining Your Name by traipsing around, filling the world with my foolishness? God, when will I grow up and be who You want me to be?
I watched Dakota walk away. I slumped to the floor once he'd left, overcome with tears.
"God, I'm so sorry! I keep telling You that I'll be a better person, but I keep opening my mouth without speaking! How could I be so stupid? Oh, God, how I could I be so stupid?" I clenched fistfuls of hair in my tightening fingers and rocked back and forth on my knees. "God, I get nowhere when I try to solve things! I need Your help in this, God! I'm done trying to control my own world, when it's You Who's the only strong One of us!"
Control. I had tried to find it, and I had failed. Miserably. I only had to look at my life to know that all my attempts to make sense of my life had been pathetic and futile.
I looked up from where I was huddled on the floor to see a gentle-looking woman watching me, worried creases filling her face. How long had she been there? Had she seen the entire thing?
"I'm sorry," I mumbled. "I forgot you were here."
The woman knelt beside me and wrapped her arm around me. "Shh, shh, no harm done," she said softly, and it was then that I knew she was a soul I could truly trust.
I leaned into her shoulder and let her comfort me.