But, God! It's So Hard!Mature


I felt like eating.

I'd never had an eating disorder of any kind, but every once in awhile, if I got really upset, I'd grab something extra "unhealthy" and eat it all in one sitting. This was one of those times. As soon as I got home, I grabbed some Doritos out of the cupboard and sat down in the living room.

Halfway through the bag of Doritos, though, I lost my appetite. I was such a pansy. There I was, bingeing on a bag of chips, while Dad and Dakota and Devyn and Cole were all being so brave about their problems.

I crumpled up the bag of chips and threw it across the room. 

I knew I'd blown it with Devyn. I knew I'd said too much. But I couldn't bring myself to forgive him for all those texts he'd sent Esther. There was no way I would ever trust a man again. 

Curling up into a ball, I lay there on the couch, devoid of tears. I stared at the plastered ceiling and absently gnawed on my lip. What was I to do?

"God," I muttered, "I know I had no right to fly off the handle like I did with Devyn, but You've got to understand that he cheated on me."

I could feel God's chastisement.

Sitting up, I crossed my arms. "I know You want me to give him a second chance, but look at all the second chances I've been giving out lately! I know You want me to go back and apologize to Devyn - but, God! It's so hard!" I ranted at the ceiling.

I heard the phone ring. I didn't get up to answer it. It was probably some pesky "family friend" wanting to know how things were going.

But the phone just wouldn't stop ringing. Sighing, I got up and looked at the Caller ID. It was Mom. Nope, I definitely didn't feel like talking to Mom.

Since there was nothing good on TV, I stalked down to my room and slammed the door shut behind me. From my window, I could see birds chirping and bouncing from tree limb to tree limb. Irritated at the whimsicality of the little creatures, I pulled my curtains closed and stood with my back to the window. I was sulking, but I decided I had a right to.

There was no way I'd forgive Devyn.

The End

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