The words that I had been readying myself to say in my mind just wiped off in that split second, leaving me a clean slate with no idea how to start.
"I guess I just want to tell you..."
Sighing again, I tugged forcefully at the roots of my hair. Say something you idiot! There had been times when I'd intended to open up to Nadia, to let the truth and core of everything I'd been feeling for the past few years to just flow out. And in those times, something would stop me whether it be a worry that telling her would worsen things, or something like 'work' popping up.
But I was on the verge of desperation. This had to be said. I just couldn't wait any longer.
"I know I've screwed up." Breathing in slowly, I tried to calm myself to let the next few sentences out. Nadia watched me blankly, waiting for the rest of my revealation.
"I wish I could put everything back together, or turn back time to stop the mistakes I'd done so that things would be better but I just can't. And now, I'm trying so hard to patch things up but it only seems to be getting worse. Dakota's suicide attempt, him cutting himself, and that bastard of a step father that you have."
I clenched my jaw, feeling my hands form into tight fists but a tantrum wasn't what I was aiming towards.
"All those things have helped me open my eyes up to the life that my actions have submitted all of us to. Now, all I need is your help to get us out."
Nadia stayed quiet, looking down at her fingers as I had the feeling she was arguing within herself, trying to figure out what to do.
I pleaded, "Nadia - you're my lifeline. I need you to get me through this."
She slipped off the bed, placing her feet into her flip-flops as she made her way towards the room door without a word. But before she left, she turned around and looked straight at me, eyes glassing over with tears that were yet to be spilled.
"I might be your lifeline, but God is mine. And I feel like He's the only one I can ever rely on."