My new life.

I guess my life has included this person for at least 2 years but our relationship has fluctuated so much recently and I have so many new friends that my life might as well have started again.

Ok, how to start this FML. Ummm I think I should start with why? I met a group of loving and funny year 11s who I wouldn't have got to know if it wasn't for this person. (Paradox?) I'm sure they weren't a group in the beginning of last year but, all I know is, they all know each other and talk and laugh together and, as I have been a loner since year 7, I was overjoyed when they made me an honorary year 11! ^_^ Seeing them is what I look forward to each day.

Any-ho, this "person" happens to be my ex-boyfriend. I don't <3 him any more but it sucks that he still feels awkward around me. I guess that's why you shouldn't date your best friend. 

This weekend, my family helped organise a music concert in our area and I was in an act to perform. I invited my new bestie and she invited our other friend and my ex. I played the first section of my set list and he complimented me on my playing which made me so happy. Then I played a song I wrote. And, yes.... It was about him.

The reason why I wrote it was to tell him that I don't want to be together but I want to be friends like before. The reaction from the song wasn't what I expected (or maybe I was hoping he wouldn't). I asked him if he thought the song was ok and he simply said, "yeah." I think I'm being very naive but he quickly became more distant and... trapped I guess. I have a feeling he wasn't thinking about me during the night (I won't say what it was) but, as I find I'm overly sensitive to emotions, my mood deteriorated and I started thinking really absurd things.

I ended up thinking that singing the song for him was the worst mistake of my life so I'm writing this because, at the moment, I don't think it can get any worse than someone being hurt because of me.

The people who know what's going on, I know I'm wrong to think that I'm the reason but I feel out of control of my own mind and heart and I need to write down how I feel.

I will say FML but I know three people who have much worse lives than I do. I feel selfish.

The End

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