Prepare for a revelation: I have deceived you. I know. I am truly sorry. Please put down that blunt object and stop trying to write into the Daily Mail complaining about the state of the country. Okay, it wasn't too bad. I started the mission of "Si a Todo!" prior to the creation of this blog. In fact, I have been doing this since January. There. I said it.
I wanted to record the results of the mission (that is what it is nick-named) so bought a diary...well...notepad. This is an entry from Friday 28th January 2011, enjoy:
These have been quite an eventful couple of days. Some would call it craziness and I shall agree with that, perhaps it is an understatement.
I have revealed "the mission" to one person and one person only (and to you lot on ze blog) - Ms Becky Carlton. This was done on Tuesday morn (24th January) because it suddenly popped into my head that it was perhaps the right thing to do. I told Becky because she would be the only person who would ask me Yes questions such as "Can you jump off a cliff?" and she is reliable. I need someone on my side and the only way to retain my sanity is to share the mission with someone who has lost theirs!
I was expecting a load of excitement, opportunities and hype. "The world is my oyster!" as quoted from the insane fisher. But...it was quite mundane. "Do you want to go to the shop with me?" "Can I borrow your pen?" "Do you know the answer to this question?" It was unbelievably British. If only people knew what was happening!
College became boring and irritating. I was like a puppy waiting for his walk but it never came. I was attempting positive thinking - dangerous stuff - and this was arousing suspicion. This is how paranoid my so-called friends are: "Why are you so cheerful?" Lovely.
I trudged home, slightly downhearted. What can bring opportunities to me? Oh yes. The Internet. I scoured the vast interweb for...things. Anything! Hang on...what was that? An advertisement. Interessant!
"Do you want to make new mates?!" Absolutely, yes. The mouse hovered over the advert and I clicked it with the enthusiasm of a man who wants to make new mates. And then...POP-UP MANIA!
Adult dating sites, penis extension sites, Russian mail-order brides services. I don't want any of these! I am quite content with my penis and I cannot commit to a marriage at my age! If I stay any longer, I will have to say yes. HELP!
Phew. The trusty Firewall removed all pop-ups and they were no more. Why did I ever doubt you, Internet security? But oh no! One remains. Oh dear.
A window was flashing and was advertising a gay chat room. I need to escape before it gets awkward. My life seemed to go in slow motion. NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O! PING! Bollocks.
"Are you gay?" I am not nor do I have anything against the homosexual community; they are lovely people. Actually, when I was getting harassed by a thick-headed idiot on Twitter because I chided him for his homophobic comments on Mark Gatiss' page, the gay community helped me out. He had got 12 of his friends to spam me and threatened me, etc etc. A couple of activists in the gay community hacked him and deleted his account. Wonderful people!
I still had to answer the question. I am not but yet this was a direct yes question. I have to reply so hesitantly said yes. Please just leave it at that, mate. PING! "Do you want to have a cam-to-cam show?" Oh come on! "Yes" Damn. This was true commitment. Suddenly my genius kicked in: "My name is Deidre. What is yours?" A swift reply from the chap was "Oh." An awkward silence ensued. And then another message: "HUGECOCK62 has left the chat" Not a subtle name. And phew.
The following day was supposed to be college's attempt to liven it up a bit. The modem was disconnected at home so the dangerous Internet was out of bounds. I cannot avoid yeses but I can still play hide and seek.
Once again, my attempts at cheerfulness with the Grumps (my pet-name for a group of friends) were refrained. Becky and I came up with the plan to fill awkward silences with songs ranging from The Muppets to Duelling Banjos. I have realised now how pathetic that sounds.
Break time arrived and the Grumps chastened us for being happy. They sat and stared. If ever I spoke, one would turn to look at the other and vice versa, they would roll their eyes and sigh. This annoyed me so much. Becky left for lesson (coward!) and I was a lone ranger.
The silence was deafening. This was my chance, my dream, my goal! Alright, I wouldn't go that far. What would be the most appropriate song for the this occasion in the now half-empty canteen? Got it.
"Is this the way to Amarillo? Every night I'm hugging my pillow! Dreaming dreams of Amarillo. And sweet Marie who waits for me!"
The silence was different. It was stunned. The vacant students shifted their gaze towards me and I was stood aloft singing Tony Christie. I felt the Grumps' eyes burning on me. They were more embarrassed than I, it was like I had broken a social taboo. One hissed, "Why don't you sit on that empty table over there and sing on your own?" Erm...si!
On the lonesome table in the now-vacated canteen, you could hear a voice echoing "Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!"