Doubting Memories

I just want peace of mind.

To doubt memories is to doubt myself. Am I in control of my actions, or is it God or just inevitable reactions from the past to present to future? I would like to think that I have full control of even my own body, at least give me that. But the body has its wants and desires to fill those wants, and I, whoever I am, only serve to sate those needs. Maybe it's best to think of the relationship between body and mind, brain and self, as a partnership, chained together, but equally chained with common weights. I feel dirty and ashamed when even the slightest bad thought, one of harming others, making a fool of myself, or anything perverse pops into my head. I must re-establish that thinking a thought does not equate acting upon it, but when I think a bad thought, I fear the same, or close to, the fear which would be felt had I actually done the bad thing. I have a heightened sense of guilt. Perhaps it's because I wonder whether I am a good person or not. I think horrible thoughts, but I never act them out. I obsess of the things I did not do. In reverse, I can't convince myself that I had done the things that are beneficial to me, whether or not I really did them or not.

This doubting of memories is from my skepticism of, well, everything. We must assume something to even act out of consciousness, or else it's just a physiological reaction to stimuli. Maybe that's all that is happening, reaction to stimuli. But I must remember that I am also stimulus to other reactors, and in that regard, we can always act upon each other and the World.

I just don't like feeling anxiety and fear, but I must endure them and believe that time will heal the mental wounds, especially when I feel fear for doubting my memories. How much time does it take to get over the dirtiness of a thought? It varies, from minutes to hours to days. Maybe I'm just a robot following rules and orders, and I think the thoughts I am programmed to. I don't think that's the case. Do I worry because I'm trying to be a good person, or just because I fear punishment? It could be both, but I think being a good person is open to too much interpretation than the very real sword of punishment that hangs above my head.

I really want to end this on a happy note. Whatever I am experiencing, I am still having fun!

The End

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