A Fallen Angel? I'd just kissed (or asked to be kissed by) a Fallen Angel?!
But maybe my views were too fixed. After hearing Balthazar's story, I felt sorry for him. I don't believe you can control who you love. But then again, I don't believe you should have an affair with someone who's married.
But wait, that's incredibly hypocritical. I just cheated on Theseus. I couldn't believe myself.
But thinking of Balthazar, actually I could believe myself.
I may not like it but he was irresistible.
Oh, this was all one big mistake! Of course I didn't love Balthazar. He was just a looker and a charmer. He swept me off my feet.
I recognised now that he needed a lover, someone who was serious about him and could help him heal, but I wasn't that person. I had my own love life and the last thing Balthazar needed was a girlfriend whose life was full of problems. Problems plus problems does not equal solution.
I realised I was still sitting stock still on his sofa. The memory of his slow, torturous, delightful actions haunts me, lingering in the back of my mind, but now is not the time to reawaken the sensations. I forced myself into reality and stood up. I walked out the open door and gazed sadly at Balthazar who was tense and either on the brink of screaming or sobbing.
"I'm going," I murmured.
He turned. "Will you be able to make your own way back?"
I looked around the houses. Surprisingly I recognised them. "Yeah - I think I know this neighbourhood."
"Be careful," he said.
"Yeah, I will be."
I began to walk, but then stopped. I turned to face Balthazar who had been watching me.
"I'm sorry," I told him. "I don't love you. But maybe that's a good thing. 1) It's great to have a good time and escape reality and serious things, and 2) you need someone who can help you. I don't think I can help you."
Balthazar merely nodded.
"Stay in touch," I said. "I'd like to be a friend, if nothing else."
"Bye Sarah," he said significantly.
And with that, I walked off, without looking back once - though desperately aching to from my infatuation.
At home, I sat on my bed.
What had I done?!
1) I had hurt Theseus by kissing Jamie.
2) I had skipped the end of school.
3) I had cheated on Theseus.
I was very close to Falling, myself. Alarmed by the thought and knowing I desired as well as needed to stay a Seraph, I knelt by my window and prayed for forgiveness. I vowed to myself that I would a) be studious, b) refrain from kissing any guy other than Theseus and c) somehow try to help Balthazar. I could only hope that this would be enough.
The doorbell rang. Thankfully I was home alone - there were just times when one needed one's privacy.
It was Jamie. I was incredibly happy to see him. I gave him a massive hug.
"You shouldn't have left school early," he murmured disapprovingly as I let him in.
"I know," I mumbled, my gut clenching in guilt and fear of the consequences.
Jamie looked straight into my eyes. His expression was apologetic and it lost its disapproval. "I'm sorry. I know how much you cut yourself up when you do something wrong."
"It's fine," I said, sighing and closing the door behind him.
I led him up to my bedroom. Once we were there, we sat on my bed. Jamie rubbed my arm comfortingly.
"Sorry about kissing you today," he murmured.
"No," I said.
"You're not sorry that you kissed me. And I'm not sorry either. You can be sorry about the consequences but you know you love me and I do too."
"You understand me so well," Jamie said.
I sighed. "Too well. Oh Jamie, I love you. I would be lying if I tried to deny it."
Jamie nodded. "I shouldn't take advantage of that, though. And I shouldn't be so blatant about how vulnerable I am without you. It only makes your life difficult."
"You can't help the fact you're vulnerable. You know you can't. So don't be sorry about that."
Jamie looked deep into my eyes. "I'm sorry. I mean, I'm sorry about the difficulty this causes. But I need you, Sarah. You partially filled the hole. You don't know ..."
"I do know," I interrupted him. "I know how much I mean to you, I know how lonely and empty you would be without me. You know, I felt so selfish earlier. For going out with Theseus. Even if I didn't know about your feelings, I certainly knew you needed me. And it was so unfair for me to forget about you and think only of me."
"Hey, that's not right. You're entitled to your own relationships. I'm not possessive, Sarah."
I looked into his eyes and smiled wryly. "But you have every right to be. I would be, in your position. If I were you, I wouldn't let you out of my sight for one second. I'd need to know where you were at every point in the day and if you didn't, I would despair and complain - tell you off when I next saw you. I want to be everything I can, everything I should, for you."
"You're too nice, Sarah. I would never expect that of you."
I shrugged. Then sighed. "My parents aren't coming back until Monday. Can you stay round?"
"Sure I can. It's the least I can do after-..."
"After nothing," I interrupted. "I'm not punishing you, Jamie, and neither should you punish yourself."
"Okay, Sarah." He smiled. "Shall we go and make hot chocolate like we used to?"
I smiled back. "That would be nice."