Negative TransformationMature

It's been a few months since I've been in a relationship. My ideals about love and romance and having a significant other have greatly changed since then. I've grown critical and cynical regarding many aspects of day to day life. Before, I had grandiose ideas about what it meant to be with someone and how rewarding it was to put in all this effort in one relationship. After many trials and fights and compromise, along side empty promises, and my own downfalls of promiscuity, I grew tired and disappointed; not only with him but also myself.

Perhaps, I'm not mature enough to deal with being with just one person. Perhaps, what I must do first is discover what I want for myself and who I want to be before I can enter into a serious, devote relationship then be happy. My morality has gone to shit when it came to being faithful. It's difficult to resist the temptation of someone else's touch and submerging myself with desire. I had everything figured out, most of it at least, but within a year, a lot would change; adaptation is something I'm versatile in, but this change was hard to swallow.

We are all strangers. Even when you become close with someone, there is always more to discover, more to love and hate. There are aspects about people that you grow to accept, and then there are perspectives that will not allow two people to see eye to eye, but that's okay. Just when you think you know someone, they do something that you thought they would never do, and that completely shatters your ideals to the core, and that's when inexplicable change happens. Ones that could not turn back time.

Deciding to break up, after years of being together was difficult. Especially when you've gone through so much together and have put so much time into it. Growing accustomed to their wants and needs and knowing what hurts them and how to make them feel better, you forget sometimes, that you need the same thing too. It was exhausting. You begin to forget your morals. You begin to disregard what you knew was wrong and replace it with blame on the other; which was half the problem but not entirely, for I knew it was me that was broken, it was me who was the problem. And that's when I decided that I had to let go. 

I couldn't look at him the same way, I couldn't look at myself without slight disgust and regret, for I didn't think I'd be that person, nor did I think he would be either. As vague as this may sound, it's not meant to go into too much detail. Growing alone, is both the bane of my existence and unequivocally, beneficial in the long run.

The End

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