1. TV is great, don't listen to these crazy writers. Watch good shows that have interesting plots and characters. If it captivates you, why? If it's funny, why? You can learn from this stuff. ;P
2. Seek out interesting characters from real life. Ask people questions about themselves, they love that. Try to understand everybody.
3. But don't write about them, that's too easy.
4. Never say in a paragraph what you could say in one sentence.
5. No one cares about your dogs.
6. If it's funny late at night, that does not mean it will be funny in the morning. Always re-read later.
7. Beer helps think of things, coffee helps write things, but beer + coffee doesn't help anything at all.
9. Try FINISHING something for once.