November 27, 2010
It's a bit weird. I am sitting here, feeling nothing. Since I arrived in this new life, I have been through all sorts of emotions and illusions. But, today, I finally accepted some things. Jan flirting was only an illusion, a daydream, some of the people I thought were friends aren't, and working harder will change something, but not the things I want to change.
I am kind of a loner, not because I want too be, and don't got to social events and stuff, but because... I don't really know, people just don't like me. They don't hate me either, they just forget me, avoid me. These things won't change if I learn more and get better in school, it won't get better if I dye my hair or loose weight. So I just don't make the effort. ....but on the other side - If i do work harder, it might change the way I feel, I will gain self confidence and just enjoy myself a little more.
So yes, I will work harder, do the best I can in everything. Not for anybody else, for a guy or my parents. For the first time in my life I want to do something just for myself. Today I mentally got rid of all the people that push me into a corner or narrowed me down, tried to keep me small, or just made me feel bad. The first step to this happend quite a while ago, and I didn't even notice it: I broke up with my boyfriend.
After that social we just had, I stepped out into the cold night. That was the moment I knew I am back. I might be completely on my own, but I have never been stronger or more free than in this moment.