Colors, sands, and cold

Friday November 12, 2010

Dear Diary,

I feel awful tonight. All I can think of is: when did life became so hard? Every decision we make will change our life completely, I am in a reminiscent mood: I remember when I was in kinder garden and the most difficult decision I had to make was to decide which color to color my flower. Those days are gone.Those days were replaced with the questions about my future: specifically speaking: my career. Being an author will always be my maximum goal in life, but my passion goes for the aesthetics of designing spaces. I have been receiving pretty hard critiques concerning my career goals, expectations, and success in the field (they do not fear my progress nor my development, they fear the job expectancy it would create). So, should I go for a more comfortable, stable, and lasting work-necessary career OR  do I go for what I am "obsessed" with and would happily accept a paycheck for doing what I like? I believe the latter sounds more inviting.

I feel Time escapes me, sand grains between my fingers. Time had been a great ally in times of play, but an treacherous foe in times of growing up. Like the shaded teenagers that waste the sunlight under a tree in a sunny summer day, I have wasted time. Time, as a Train in Life, waits for nobody. My youthful days could be flowers striving to be higher, instead they were flower buttons. High School is over, and I felt I could have done more in my free time: writing more, drawing more, reading more, thinking more. But it is all gone, and, as a forgotten thing crammed up in the closet, I must cram up this not-so-forgotten activities in the slight free time university study and life allows me to have.

The weather is getting colder, that is a positive thing. I love the cold and wet because it makes me feel alive. For that I am grateful.

~~ L. Xian (:



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