The blog entries of a girl facing unrequited love.
Every year it gets harder. I tell myself that I don’t care, that I don’t love him anymore, but…my mind wanders. I see him: his body, his spiky hair, his cheeky smile.
He really is the most handsome man in the world.
When I see him, I can’t help but fantasize, and when I start fantasizing, I start off the dreams. They come once or twice a week, especially when I am craving him because he hasn’t been paying me much attention in the previous day; that hurts, you know. Of course it does! I, like any other sensible woman in this world, know that…
But then I act upon it; I try to change my falling mood by creating those images of him and me together, raising our beautiful Catholic children…
It’s depressing. Everyday I see him, everyday we try and laugh together, everyday has the same stubborn awkwardness within it. If I am alone with him, or with a couple of other uninterested people, I just want to throw my arms around him, and tell him that the stress of the day will get better. I just want to kiss his smooth cheeks there, run my hands through his hair (which I assume will be as soft as the clouds), and perhaps massage his tense shoulders. I want him to pass his loving gaze over me, and tell me that he’s always felt the same as me, right from the beginning. Our relationship and feelings have changed, but I always have the flutter in my heart that springs into life when he is near, or the irrepressible heat that rushes and paints my cheeks with rouge.
At least, I wish he would just act a little more civil towards me. It breaks my heart that he probably doesn’t even consider me to be a potential lover and mate.
It’s not fair, this hand that love has dealt me. I’ve considered him out of my league so many times, that’s true, but love should never be burdened by the laws: by age, by distance, by personality, by anything!
Oh, it’s so not fair!
Why do I feel incomplete without him? It aches every day of every week, each time I am near to him I feel…strange…and I feel confused. I feel angry with myself:
Why can’t I just leave him alone? Why did I have to fall in love in the first place?
Why are there so many questions always buzzing in my mind (most of which concern him)?
Why did I have these feelings to begin with? He’s so much older than me, for pete’s sake; I just shouldn’t experience something like this… And yet, my mind has convinced me that there’s nothing wrong.
It’s so uncontrollable, so horrible, so demanding, and yet… I love this feeling I’m getting.
I wouldn’t give it up for anything.