I Would Sooner Die Before I Wrote This ...

I swept effortlessly down the school halls, my perfect ebony black hair shining brilliantly around my perfectly sculpted face. Everyone stared at me as I passed, whispering and pointing. I sniffed distastefully and rolled my glowing golden eyes at them as I glided past. They were all sooo pathetic, it was unbelievable. After all, they were only pathetic, normal, boring humans after all. They paled in comparison to my pale immortal vampire beauty.

I sat down at the back of the room in my Maths class, in the seat I always took. Sitting at the front meant you were a geek, and I sat apart from everyone else, because sexy, mysterious persons like myself never spoke to the normal people.The teacher droned on and on, as all teachers do, and I sat at the back of the class and stared at the ceiling, because I already knew all this and aced every single test. I was over 1000 years old, and I had taken this class a thousand times before, so I simply sat back and basked in my own brilliance. I had top grades in every class, I wore all the best clothes, I had a figure to die for and everyone was soooo jealous of me, because I was, simply perfect.

Then a new person walked into the room. He was tall and dark and stunningly handsome, with shining black hair and bright blue eyes and gorgeously tanned skin. The teacher introduced him as an exchange student, and he sat down in a seat on the other side of the room. He sat in a convenient position so I could study him with my enhanced vampire vision, and I spent the rest of the lesson analysing every perfect detail of his face and clothes and body, all the while trying to smother the insatiable bloodlust that I felt for him. All the girls started tittering over him, but he simply looked straight at me. After about ten point five seconds of looking at one another, I knew we were in love.

Oh no, this was terrible! I had fallen in love with a mortal! I couldn't possibly stay with him. I would have to leave so that I wouldn't hurt him, and it would break my heart but I would know he would be safe, because although I am so perfect and wonderful I am in fact a monster! Oh deary me, I would have to go out into the woods and hunt animals to satisfy my thirst, and hope he wouldn't follow my oh-so-inconspicuously-parked car at the edge of the woods. And I most certainly hoped we would never, ever kiss.


And there you have it, a prime example of the sort of thing I would never, ever write. It's a love story - I can't do romance to save my life, it's got the awful tacky Twilight-style vampires in it - who are not proper vampires, and are so overdone I am thoroughly sick of them, and all topped off with a coating of smushy, perfect-ness romance with all the awful cliche "we can't be together because I'm a monster and I don't want to hurt you but I'm going to let you fall in love with me anyway" plot that is regurgitated so often in modern teenage romance novels.

In short, it's a disgusting, awful, overdone and utterly sickening monstrosity that you will never, ever, ever in a milliion-trillion years ever see me write because if I ever did you would know I had truly lost my mind and I would ask you to take me out behind the doghouse and blow my brains out with a shotgun.

Enough said?

The End

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