My name is Amelia. My best friend was a llama, and his name was Larry.
Larry and I had the funnest times ever, from going to the movies together, to spitting in peoples' faces. Oh, those were the days.
Larry had light brownish fur, and it matted in clumps a lot, but I didn't mind. Larry was awesome.
I joked around a lot, saying he needed a girlfriend... I guess he took it a little too seriously.
One day, he sent me an email... It wasn't very neat and all, seeing as he had no thumbs, or any fingers for that matter. There were a lot of typos and errors of the like, but it got the message through clearly enough, after an hour of deciphering his confusing letter.
Basically, he told me about how he went to this dating site and filled it out and all that, and I guess llamas are really hot these days. He had like, several hundred hits within the first twenty-four hours.
He found someone he really likes... An alpaca named Alma. The wedding was two months ago. Larry wanted me to be his best man, and Alma's maid of honor... But I didn't see how I could be in 2 places at once. I'm not God. But I guess they made it work. I just had to bring the ball of yarn to them and stand next to Alma.
I think she hates me... She never says anything to me unless Larry is nearby.
Ever since Larry met Alma, he's felt so distant to me. I mean, where did our fun go? We never hang out and just have fun anymore. I haven't spat in anyone's face in three months. THREE MONTHS! Do you know how long that is?
Last month, all contact with Larry ceased. He ditched me for Alma the Alpaca.
So, I created this contest for someone to be my new best friend... Only three people entered...
There was a penguin named Joey, but he always had his flock around... Plus, the arctic is cold.
Elmer, a cow, entered. But he smells, and regurgitating food is simply disgusting... Plus, he stared at me. It was creepy! I think he was the one who's been stalking me for the last four years... Every time I turned around, I saw him somewhere...
A gay walrus named Leroy was the third contestant. He wasn't constantly surrounded by annoying flightless birds, he didn't stalk me, and he was actually pretty cool. He won the contest.
Now Leroy and I are really great friends. He helped me write this... He looked up "regurgitating" because I didn't know how to spell it... There's an I in it... Did you know that? I didn't.
Anyhow, my new best friend is a gay walrus named Leroy. The best part is, I know he'll never end up liking me, as in more than a friend. Larry wanted to try that once, a few years ago, and let me tell you... That was beyond scary.
"So... I lied about something..."
"What's that, Leroy?"
"I'm not gay..."