It's amazing how easy it is to start doubting yourself.  One minute you could take on the world without hesitation and the next you're not even sure if you can get out of bed by yourself.  You wonder where everything went wrong.  You wonder what you did to deserve this.  Are you still being punished for that one mistake, your biggest regret?  Or are just part of someone else's story, destined to be their biggest regret?  When you are happy you can't imagine that things will be this bad, or that things could possibly go so horribly wrong.  Or even if they did, you are strong and independent.  You can handle anything with your head held high, no tears.  No one has to see you hurting.  But no one ever tells you that it's physical pain to.  That ache in your chest that makes it hard to stand.  That twisted knot in your stomach that makes it impossible to eat.  The panic that sets in when you wonder what will happen to you, when you wonder what you're going to do next.  It's amazing how one little thing can make you a stranger to your own mind.  You have no idea what you're capable of anymore.  You have no idea what your morals are.  The things you thought were important before, the life that you led seems to be meaningless now, because look where you ended up.  You don't want to change but it's already happening.  You're already a different person and you're not sure if you like this new you.  What's she like?  Is she going to get hurt too?  Or will she be the one hurting others?  And it's incredible to think that the one who has brought you so much pain has walked away unscathed.  And they will never understand how you feel, you can never make them understand.  And so you start to wonder why it is so easy for them to walk away.  Why aren't they hurting too?  Didn't they care at all?  Was it all a lie?  You start to think that maybe it was.  Everything was just a string of lies that you fell for hook, line, and sinker.  And you're on your own now because of it.  You did this to yourself.  If you had only been more careful, more reserved.  If you hadn't tried so hard maybe you wouldn't be hurting so much right now.  But then what would it have been?  Two people, barely interacting, not caring.  Nothing.  But you cared.  You poured your heart and soul into it, but it wasn't enough.  But at least you tried.  You may not be good at many things, but you care.  And you know that that is hard to find, you know that that quality is like gold dust these days and that you are worth something.  If only someone could see it.  But people rarely do.  And certainly not the right people anyways.  The truth is, you didn't do anything wrong, you did everything in your power.  But that doesn't make the pain go away.  That doesn't make it any easier to handle.  Because the truth is if you give everything of yourself and they still leave, you have nothing left to comfort yourself with.  Except that maybe someday there is a hope that someone will see your true worth and they might give you something.  But hope is a thing with feathers..... and I'm afraid my hope has been plucked clean.  

The End

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