Randall: Decisions, DecisionsMature

 

                My first real responsibility in the case and it comes right after I have my first real second thoughts.  This feels like providence.  Not that I believe in fate, or any of that, but this just feels too coincidental.  If there is a god, he’s testing me right now. 

                I open the door to the interrogation room and step in lightly.  After sitting down I look intensely into Lane’s eyes.  I look into him; I need to know his convictions before I decide what to do.  “Still not talking, Mister Lane?”

                His look is poisonous, but it’s a cracking mask barely capable of hiding his unease and fear.  His emotional turmoil is plain to see even for me.  I almost wish I had similar feelings, just to act and feel normal.  What I would give to be normal and not have to pretend, if only for once in my life.

                This man truly cares about the woman he was sleeping with, they may not be a legitimate couple but he has feelings for her.  He can lie all he wants about it, but not everyone can lie as well as I can.  Having emotions can really hamper your ability to hide the things you feel the strongest about.

                So does lacking emotional sensitivity make me stronger than others, or does it make me inferior?  Do I want to release him so I can harm him for retribution, or do I feel like I can gain a certain amount of redemption?  By letting myself feel the anger, let it out, can I truly become more normal?

                “Stand up.”  He looks at me affrightedly and shrinks down.  I grab his arm roughly and pull him up, “I said, get up.”  He whimpers as if he can see what I really am inside, what I plan on doing to him.  I throw him back into his chair and grab my head, which feels like it might burst.  What am I doing?  How can I so blatantly throw away everything I’ve built here?

                I leave the room for a few minutes to clear my head.  When I return I throw a visitor’s badge on the table in front of me.  “You . . . had better leave before I change my mind.”  His eyes are huge with incredulity.  “But, you’re going to have to hit me, as hard as you can.  Knock me out.”

                I look down for a moment and hope he’s making his decision, “When you get out, meet me behind the Pierce and Pierce building tomorrow.  I’ll get you out of all of this.”  When I look up, his fist catches me in the eye and the last thing I recall is how cool the floor feels against my face.

The End

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