Everyone seems to be moving faster and faster, getting more excited with every little thing we uncover.
Sadly, I can’t seem to keep up with their excitement. I’m just coasting along now in their wake. I almost feel lost in here, they’re doing all the pull work and I’m kind of useless. Maybe I should have been a doctor after all. Would I make a good doctor? I was told I had terrible bedside manner; doctors are supposed to care about their patients, after all.
Well, good doctor or bad doctor, I’m clearly not a very good police officer. I think the excitement is a huge part of succeeding. Caring is just as important for doctors as for the police. If you don’t care if you catch the guy, then you don’t have the proper motivation to actually put him behind bars.
I know now isn’t a good time to be questioning my career, but I can’t help but feel absolutely nothing about the fact that we’re catching him. In all honesty the only time I felt something was when he was scared in his office. I don’t react to the good in this job; I only seem to be reacting to the bad. To the seldom talked about cop violence, rough them up and see if they tell you any more afterwards kind of stuff.
Well, we got the guy. I’m not sure if he did it, he might have. He probably did. But I don’t have the conviction the others seem to have. Even if he did kill him, or hire someone to kill him, I don’t even feel the need to put him behind bars. That seems too passive to me. I want to do something more . . . profound. I really want this guy to learn a lesson, and never forget.
I don’t think Mendrick would like where this line of thought is bringing me. Could I really find it in myself to break this guy out and hurt him just to satisfy my own sick impulses? And if I want to, could I actually pull it off?