I know it's stupid, because thoughts aren't supposed to be heard so much as understood, but. I just. I can't hear myself think.
I hate it, I hate it so much that it's almost not there. Like when you touch water that is so incredibly hot that it feels cold, for the first split second, then it seeps into your skin like lightning and burns you.
Because it's like someone just threw fog and mirrors and a bundle of noise into my brain, and the stupid noise is riccocheting off of the mirrors and I can't see it, I just cannot see it through this annoying fog. It's stuck in my head, and I'm stuck, too.
Literally. I close my eyes, and. And. And. And nothing. There's nothing there but a dusty void and yes, it's freaking me out.
I've never felt so... empty before.
I admit; sometimes, it got overwhelming. The constant banging and laughing and crying and the whole fuddled-up maze of ideas and words in my head, which don't let you concentrate on anything but what's running through your mind. It's almost irritating, but I would never give it up.
Especially never for this void of nothing.
There are little metaphorical fists banging against my brain, shouting, echoing. It's... odd.
It sounds crazy, but I don't feel like me anymore. I feel a little bit unwhole. Like somebody broke a little bit of me off and ran away. It's queer and unfamiliar and I absolutely do not like it.
So, I think I'm just going to... talk my way out of it? Hopefully?
I'm Mashal, and I'm British Pakistani. I.
I can't think.
For God's sake, I cannot think.
For God's sake.
I'm just so tired of being so empty. I'm so, so, so fricking tired and I just want it to go away, and yes, I'm pleading. But this is just so lonely, in my head, where no one is coming to talk to me or whisper to me or even laugh with me.
I'm Mashal, and I'm British Pakistani. I like indie music, although I do listen to a majority of pop. But indie rock/pop is actually really good and it's got a very unprejudiced feel. A lot of people judge you for listening to pop music, or R&B, or rap or rock or whatever genre you listen to, but I just feel that with indie, judgement doesn't even exist. It's all different. And.
And I'm stuck again.
I just. I don't know what to do. I'm losing it, like I'm watching myself break and feeling the pieces slip through my fingers like sand. I always loved digging my fingers into cool sand and pulling up seeping handfuls which slid through my fingers teasingly.
All my frustrated and upset energy is spent, and I'm more tired than ever, and though nobody wants to be pumped up on frustration, I almost want to steal it back.
Not really, though.
Now I just really want to sleep. Maybe sleep away this void which makes my head ring hollow like it is right now, emotionless and bare and really, just so, so empty.
I should sleep, with it being 12:12 a.m in the morning.
Not that it'll be much of a relief, I know from experience.