Multifarious reasons...

I write for so many reasons... some of them I probably don't understand myself.

I write because it's one thing I still have total confidence in. I know that I'm a good painter, but my visual art was so horribly critiqued or ignored that it completely killed my love for the craft.

I know, I know -- we're supposed to have 'thicker skins' than that. We're not supposed to take critique personally... but it is personal, we all know that. We are baring our souls (those of us who know what we're doing), and to have people who have never done that tell us we're no good, or to have our peers cut us down for whatever reasons of their own, or to be outright ignored... it hurts us all, even if we claim to have that much sought-after impervious exoskeleton.

Why? Because you can't be a good artist if you can't feel.

I came to realize that only recently. I'm fairly certain I'm slipping down the slope to a couple of dissociative disorders, if I don't have them already. Depersonalization and derealization, by name. If not, then I'm just living in one hell of a fog.

Events in my past (partly that harsh criticism and lack of validation I mentioned) caused me to shut myself down.

When I write, I live through my characters. My life was ridiculously dull because my mother is one of those Eddie Kaspbrak moms -- you know, the She's Only Eating Me Because She Loves Me types.

So when I write, I feel a little more alive because I feel the emotions of my characters, and because I have this sinking feeling, this gnawing fear that my writing will be received the same way my paintings were.

Who knows, maybe I'll just write forever and never attempt to publish a scrap. Maybe I'll be one of those fantastic writers no one knows about (including me) because I was too afraid to share anything, protecting the last shred of my ego.

But maybe not.

I write because I want to teach people what I know. Sounds presumptuous, sure.

I write because I am the God of the blank page. Note that I'm also Christian, and would never claim to be the God of anything other than my own slightly skewed imagination. I think if God created us, and in His image, no less, then it only follows that we feel driven to create things ourselves. Perhaps it was His way of trying to get us to understand Him better.

I'll stop here, though... I could probably go on forever.

The End

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