As you grow up you will often find that there are certain words that make you cringe or that you don’t like to say such as; ‘moist’, ‘ooze’ and panties, and if you can you will avoid them at all costs if you can help it. However none of these words come close to one word, a word that when you hear you can never un-hear. The word is sinister, the word is unkind, the word is something you would never anticipate, something you fear to speak for speaking it makes it real! It seeps into your heart and soul and makes them heavy and dark and put the weight of the world on your shoulders. It was my own mother who said that word.
I listened hard to what she had to say, she was apologising for everything she had done, saying sorry for what she had said to me and how she had just cut me off and I could tell that she was truly sorry, but was thing because of what she had just told me? If it was I didn’t care because the moment she spoke those words it was as though all the anger and hatred I had built up towards my mother from the past few months melted away into nothingness and a stronger sensation of love took its place. This was my mother and I could never hate her, no matter what had happened.
She had tears in her eyes and I could tell that they were tears of sorrow and I could feel tears pricking my eyes as I listened to her talk. It sounded almost rehearsed which made it clear that she had wanted to tell me all this for a while now and I had just been too stubborn to make the time for her.
A tear splashed onto my cheek
“I’m so sorry mum, I really am!”
“No, I’m sorry Anna. I was so stuck in my ways and such a fucking hypocrite that I pushed you away and hurt you just for having a life that you had chosen. You can do what you want, you can fall in love with who you want and it certainly isn’t my place to stop you. I love you Anna!”
“I love you too mum!”
Tears were falling thick and fast now and I wished that I could just fall right through the screen and reach her, to pull her into a tight hug, have a hug that only mothers can give, one that soothes the soul and instantly makes everything better. But I couldn’t.
“Do you want me to come home?” I asked.
“You can Anna but won’t that be a lot of hassle for you especially since there is actually nothing you can do?”
“It’s no hassle! I am sure if I explained the situation….”
Anna, please don’t make any hasty decisions. Think about it and then decide. I will understand if you didn’t come back and you wanted to finish your year in America. Your dad is here anyway and I am only a phone call away.
“Okay Mum. I love you take care!”
“Speak soon chickpea, let me know what you decide to do!”
I hung up the phone and tried to swallow the lump that had formed in my throat but I couldn’t and instead I dissolved into tears!
This can’t happen, not now! Not when I have just got her back! I closed my laptop and curled up onto my bed letting the tears drip down my face.
What should I do? I felt as though my heart had been wrenched from my chest, almost like in Once Upon a Time when Regina rips out her enemy’s heart right in front of them, but the only difference being that I felt as though my heart had already been crushed to dust.
At this point in time I just wanted to curl up into a ball in this darkened room and forget the world…..forget everything!