I hadn't bothered to charge my phone, or get dressed or even brush my hair as a matter of fact, instead I was curled on my sofa wrapped in a soft throw for warmth with my laptop on my knee, answering some emails which I had neglected and flicking through facebook idly, stopping occasionally to register that one of my friends is getting married or having a baby and has just announced it on facebook. If its on facebook then it must be true right?
It occurred to me that my life seemed to have taken a bit of a backseat, and apart from going to university, getting a girlfriend and then going to America for a year I hadn't really done much and the things I had done, I was slowly beginning to question. Was America such a good idea? It seemed to be at the time but at the cost of being pretty much disowned by my parents and leaving my friends behind... My mind whirled and whizzed, each thought as incoherent and confusing as the last.
I pealed myself from the sofa mid morning to boil the kettle, tea seemed about the only thing that would temporarily calm me and allow my brain to catch up with my thoughts for a second. A small part of me knew that I was being silly and that I was worrying about nothing and that if Cara or Megan could see me they would have probably physically shaken me and even given me a good hard slap for good measure but I just couldn't stop.
Logging onto facebook I spotted Megan's green dot and clicked the instant messenger ... I needed to know that she was happy.
"Hey Anna, you okay? I texted you this morning and you didn't reply"
"Sorry hunni, my phone died and I haven't had chance to charge it up" This wasn't exactly true, there had been many a moment when I could have put my mobile on charge yet I hadn't been motivated enough to do it.
"Okay then. What you doing?"
"Nothing much really... Babe can I ask you something?"
"Of course you can... what's up?"
"Are you happy?"
"Yeah, of course I am, why wouldn't you think I wasn't?"
"I mean with everything, with me, with going to America, just everything! You're not going to regret it are you?"
"Anna, what's gotten into you, you dafty! I'm not going to regret it, I choose you every time!"
"But your family, your friends, I don't want to pull you so far away from them! I need you to be one million percent sure that you want to go Megan! I'm terrified that you will regret it later!" Tears started forming in my eyes as I thought about the dream I had encountered, where Megan had shouted the words, "I hate you Anna" and a shudder ran down my spine at just the thought of those words ever really crossing her lips... I truly believe my heart would shatter.
"Anna, its a big decision, a decision I made ages ago! I love you and I want to be with you no matter where you end up or what you end up doing!"
"You're so sweet babe. I just feel like I am holding you back..."
"From doing what you want to do! You're coming to America because I asked you to come, not because you wanted to necessarily..."
"How many times Anna, I want to go because that's where you will be! Will you stop worrying!"
"I can't help it Megan, its like I can't stop myself pointing out the problem. Its not just me worrying about whether or not you will be happy but also being so far away from everyone else too. I mean my parents hate me and haven't spoken to me since we told them, Cara is still recovering from her split with Sam and I am supposed to go to America in two weeks!"
"Do you want me to come over?"
"No babe its fine, I just need to sort my head out."
"Okay then but just remember, Your parents love you despite how they are reacting and as for Cara, she would be extremely angry at you if you cancelled America because you were worried about her... she's a big girl!"
"Yeah I know, I suppose the reality of it all is just beginning to sink in..."
"I know babe, just know that I will be with you every step of the way!"
"Thanks. Look I'm going to go, I think an hours kip or something might be a good idea..."
"Okay, don't stress too much"
"I love you."
I closed facebook and sighed, talking to Megan had helped but my brain was still spouting irrational thought after irrational thought at me which I couldn't control causing me to shake uncontrollably and feel slightly sick. I grabbed my mobile and began to dial my parents landline before remembering that my phone was dead. I had wanted to ring them to say that I was sorry for letting them down, sorry for hurting them, that I loved them and more than anything that I missed them. I let out a suppressed sob and curled up on the sofa shaking and sweating, my heart beating ten to the dozen, my fists clenched tight so that my nails dug painfully into the palms of my hands but at that point in time I didn't care.
I closed my eyes tight shut, hoping that I could block out all the negative thoughts, hoping that for just one second I could block out the world, and it did.... as the panic attack took control and consciousness left me.