Anna: AnxietyMature

Megan and I decided that it would be a sensible idea to grab a taxi back as it was far too cold to walk back, even waiting on the footpath for the taxi was cold enough, my breath was rising in a huge mist before me and I kept as close as I could to Megan , hoping that her body heat would warm me up some more. When the taxi pulled up we both scrambled in, both extremely grateful for the heating being on which was allowing my hands to slowly defrost.

Megan had plans the next day so we dropped her off at her flat en route to mine, she gave me a soft kiss before getting out of the taxi and running inside. It must have been a mixture of the alcohol, how cosy and warm I was now feeling thanks to the heating  and the soft rumbling of the taxi but I felt my eyes begin to droop, I took a deep relaxing breath in and allowed myself to drift into a light slumber, my brain slowly unpicking my tangle of thoughts and anxieties and knitting them into a dream.

I was looking out of a plane window as it began to take off, there was a crowd of people standing in a doorway on the ground watching the plane and I could only recognise one of them. Megan was standing there, a backpack on her back and a suitcase in her hand ... but why wasn't she on the plane with me, had she had second thoughts? Had I railroaded her into coming that she had felt unable to say no until the last second? Why was no-one else there to see me off? Did they even care? These questions whizzed around my head, unanswered and I asked myself whether or not I had made the right decision.

Now I was in a bedroom and Megan was there and she was shouting,

"Why the hell did I agree to this?"

"Its all your fault, I miss my family, my friends and my home!"

I tried to approach her but she backed away with tears in her eyes,

"I .... I hate you Anna,"

The phrase reverberated around my head and awoke me from the slumber just as the taxi man shouted,

"Love, come on I have places to be, that'll be five pound sixty please!" 

It took me a moment to realise where I was, the taxi man held out his hand and I gave him the money before getting out. Tears were pricking my eyes from the vivid dream I had just encountered, was that dream bringing to the front of the mind some of the anxieties I was trying to ignore.

I let myself into my flat as quick as I could and was sure to lock the door behind me, as though in doing so I could lock out the anxieties and thoughts that plagued me as America grew ever closer.

***

The steam from the tea clasped  in my hands was furling upwards, the clock had just half three in the morning and I couldn't bring myself to go to bed. The anxieties about going to America had always been there however it wasn't until I was reminded about how close I was to actually leaving that my mind started to concoct scenarios in my head about what could potentially go wrong.

I was terrified of the possibility that I was making a mistake in going or that I was forcing Megan to come with me and she was just too polite to say no.  To make matters even worse, my parents - in particular my mum - hadn't spoken to me since Megan and I told them that we were going to America and that we were a couple. I had tried multiple times to contact them and only got a reply when I changed the caller id settings so that it wouldn't show them who was calling, the call hadn't lasted very long. The moment my mum had realised it was me she hung up.

My phone lay abandoned on the living room table and had ran out of battery since I had checked it, I had been looking at old pictures of me and my mum and dad, taken on birthdays and Christmas's and it struck me that this would be my first Christmas I would spending not in the company of my mum and dad and it hurt.

I took a slurp of tea which was now starting to get a little cold. I sighed and pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped a blanket around me. 

The clock had turned four in the morning but I still didn't want to sleep as I knew that if I did, more anxieties about America will be revealed. 

***

As the  sun peaked through the curtains I decided that it was time to make another cup of tea, I still was feeling anxious about going now and as the night had progressed more thoughts had sprung to mind.  I decided that I needed the day to myself to sort my thoughts out so I hadn't bothered to charge my phone.

The End

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