It was days before Anna got fed up of me lying there. At least that’s what I found out when she yanked the cover off me, jerking me awake.
“Cara, you have to get up at some point. You have to eat something.”
“I ate breakfast.”
“A biscuit, which I forced on you. You have to put back on the weight you lost.”
“Breakfast.” I murmured, trying to curl up. She wouldn’t give me the cover back.
“Cara you’ve been lying here for five days.” Five days? It had been that long? My phone lay discarded on the floor; the battery had run out and I’d not charged it since. “You have to get up.”
“I need more time.”
“Cara…” She frowned, upset.
“Please Anna,” I looked at her, begging. “I need more time.”
She sighed and nodded.
“Fine. But you have to eat.”
“Liam was asking after you. He said you get to start gigging soon, at Hype? Kay called.”
“You’re not going to back out are you?”
“I just… I feel like I can’t really get up there and sing… What if… what if… she’s there?”
“Cara I doubt if she’s going to go there at the moment.” I bit my lip and buried my head in the sofa and mumbled my reply. “I can’t hear you.”
“I said she probably went there with her sister.”
“Cara, if that had happened to me, I’d have gone back inside, broken down and spent the evening with pizza and ben and jerry’s. And I bet Sam did the same.”
“Well something similar then. Jeez, you’re my best friend and everything, but I thought you cared more about her than to just give up. I’ve never seen you like this.”
“I’m broken.” I murmured, a hot, wet tear spilling down my cheek. I buried my head back in to the sofa and refused to come up when Anna patted my back.
“Oh Cara… Cara… come on, you’re not broken. I know it hurts but…”
“Hurts?” I whispered, shifting my head to the side and staring at her through blurred eyes. “I feel like someone is ripping me apart from inside. I lost her Anna… my one.”
She stared at me.
“Well… I know it feels like that but maybe… maybe it wasn’t meant to be? I mean maybe there’s another one? I mean, how do you know it was her?”
I gasped a sob and bawled my eyes out. When the tears started slowing I crawled in to a sitting position. Anna patted my back.
“I knew… because I wanted her baby.”
Anna’s hand stopped on my back. There was silence.
“What?” She spluttered.
“I kept… seeing us. In my head. Children… she’d make an amazing mum.” I started crying again, but silently this time.
“But… I thought you said that would be years off…”
“Yeah, but when you brought it up… It just kept popping in to my head after that.” And it did now, the same images… but just Sam and the child. A little boy, with curly black hair. I gulped and buried my head in my hands. “I can’t Anna…”
“Hey, hey… it’s okay.”
I shook my head and lay back down. Anna paused for a moment, and then passed me the blanket. I curled up in it and disappeared.
“You need a shower soon.” She commented. “You smell.”
My lips tweaked but I couldn’t smile. I think I lost the ability.
It took two more days before I finally dragged myself out of bed. I only did it because Anna told me everyone was coming round, that she couldn’t hold them off any longer. And that they were bringing pizza. My stomach had started functioning again, it growled at the thought of hot cheese. I showered, welcoming the hot water washing away days of being unable to move. By the time the others arrived I was wearing leggings and a baggy jumper. My hair, longer now, was scraped back in to the tiniest ponytail.
“Cara. You look…” Liam looked at me, concerned. “…Shitty.”
“Thanks Liam.” I croaked. Amanda appeared next to him.
“Well you’re not wrong Liam.” She said and then walked past me in to the flat. “Hmm. Erm… nice flat?” I heard her say to Anna who was in the kitchen. Liam followed her and exposed Ali and Jak who were in the doorway. Ali glared after Amanda and then approached me for a hug.
“Oh my gosh…” I murmured looking down at her. She’d ‘popped’.
“I know.” She smiled, hugging me. “You on the other hand…”
“Well we brought pizza.” She pointed at Jak who was holding the boxes.
“Thanks. I’m actually hungry for the first time since…” I paused and stopped. She nodded and rubbed my arm comfortingly.
“Come on. I get to sit because I’m pregnant. You can join because you had an op not long ago and a stressful day after that.”
“I should help…”
“Sit!” Ordered Anna from the kitchen.
“Okay mum.” I joined Ali on the sofa as Jak took the pizzas through.
“I want to talk to you.” Ali said. “Now I know there was mention about you taking Anna’s flat after she goes to America, but I think you should move in with us. I mean there’s a spare room because Jak and I are sharing…”
“Don’t you want that for a nursery or something?”
“Well we can discuss that when it comes to it. But-“The buzzer went.
“That’ll be Callum!” Liam ran to the door. Ali turned back to me.
“Seriously Cara. You can always move out when the baby comes. But I’d rather you were with someone, and I’m going to need help. And a girl friend who’s close. The guys won’t understand. Think about it?”
“Okay. I will.”
We turned round to see Callum appear. He grinned round at us, saw Amanda and his smile dropped a little. He covered it up but we noticed.
“Got the drinks guys!” He held up drinks and grinned. “Oh and soft drinks for the invalid and the pregnant one.”
“Hey.” I frowned.