I woke up and tried to understand why I wasn't at home. I was in Anna's bed and the machine was next to me. What...?
Last night hit me like a ton of bricks. I pulled in a sobbing breath and covered my mouth. Oh... Glancing at the machine and the clock I realised it was time to unhook, and did so. Then I rolled back over and buried my head under the covers. I wasn't coming out of bed. I couldn't deal with this today. Had I made a mistake?
"Crap, Cara!" I heard Anna call. "Cara we need to go. I'll call a taxi, you get ready."
"Cara you have to get up."
"I don't want to."
"Cara it's your op today."
I peeked out of the covers.
"Hey, listen, when we're in the car we can talk about last night okay?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Okay. Just get dressed."
"Fine." I sighed, feeling a pit of dread forming in my stomach.
I dressed and then the buzzer went.
"Taxi's here!" Anna cried, hurriedly finishing her makeup. "Come on, let's go!" She grabbed her bag and we went downstairs.
"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" She asked as the taxi pulled away from the curb.
"Really?It's just... Sam really wanted to talk to you last night... and she brought your machine. She obviously loves you so... why break up with her? I know you love her too or else you wouldn't have been crying."
"Excuse me?" She was gaping at me like a goldfish.
"I mean... I don't want to talk about it."
"That's not what you-"
"-Drop it Anna."
"Seriously Cara what could she have done wrong in a couple of minutes?" I looked out of the window, refusing to acknowledge the question. How could I tell her that it was my fault, that all of this was because I had been making stupid decisions for stupid reasons... but then no. No they weren't stupid. I had every right to... oh I don't know. "Fine, if you're not going to tell me, at least let her see you after the op."
"I don't want to see her." It would be too embarrassing after last night. Plus exhausted and vulnerable after the op I might back down and I stood by my decision. Why should I have had to tell her? I knew she'd keep badgering me about giving her the kidney, and I didn't want to. I didn't want her doing that. Because... because I loved her and I didn't want her to be in danger. I don't know. I don't know what's going on in my brain.
"We're here." Anna said, clearly deep in thought about the whole situation. She got out of the car and waited for me, and then we walked in to the hospital.
The prep was something I blurred through. I was hardly listening, focussing instead on my mum beside me and the pit of worry, doubt and pain inside me. I was almost ready to cry from nerves when the doctor said it was almost time...
I woke up in a hospital bed and blinked around me.
"Cara." Sam's voice drifted through my ears. I smiled involuntarily.
"Honey, I'm here. Are you angry?"
"Why would I be angry?" I murmured, wanting to sleep again.
"Don't you remember...?"
Unwillingly I opened my eyes again and thought, looking at her. Then, through the haze of pain meds the memories came back.
"What are you doing here?" I asked.
"I came to check on you."
"Where's my mum? Is she okay?" I ignored her, looking around in concern.
"She's fine. She's asleep."
"Didn't need your kidney after all." I muttered. She glared at me.
"Well I told you..."
"Are you serious right now Cara? You've just come out of surgery and you're still at me? I've done nothing wrong."
"Just go. I'm fine. I don't need you hanging around me like I'm going to break."
"Oh sorry, am I being suffocating again?" She glared. I didn't have the strength to respond; my eyelids felt like lead. "You know what? I think you're right. I think we do need some time apart. Call me when you've figured things out." She grabbed her coat and threw it on. She hadn't made it out of the ward before my eyes closed and I slept.
My eyes fluttered open again. My mum was next to me on a bed, the curtain had been opened so I could see her. Anna was sat between us.
"How are you my sweetie?" My mum asked.
"Tired." I murmured.
She smiled and nodded, and Anna grinned.
"I'm so glad you two are okay."
"Me too." My mum murmured, her eyelids drooping.
"Me three." I replied before drifting off again.